Transcript of 3rd Presidential Debate!! (breaking news!)

Here you go, lovlies!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH “MY FRIENDS”!~!!!

I’m STOKED for this debate. Part of me feels like it’s a foregone conclusion that FINALLY, the log jam of the last 8 years is going to be broken.

I’m going to try to do this without the cussin’, but I’m not sure if it will work or not. Bear with me. I will likely break into a barrage of F-bombs once McFail takes the stage.

I’m sorry McFail, you were probably once a really good dude (or not), but man, the resounding call I hear across the land is “I’d have voted for the 2000 McCain, but I have no idea who this guy is now, and I’m not feeling all that secure”.

Let me just preface this with the statement that the race-card crap just SOOOOOOOOOO needs to stop. It needs to stop NOW. It is ridiculous – white people who are bigots should just be exiled from the country. Send em OUTTA HERE. Honestly – the “I’m white and I don’t like black people” is SO utterly retarded, so unbelievably ignorant / disgusting / soooooo 50 years ago (or 20, or 15 or 5, depends who you are, I’d imagine). Similarly, people needing to lean on the crutch of all that needs to stop that stuff too. You’re better than that. WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Aren’t we? If we’re not, we are sorry, sad, ridiculous excuses for Americans. Get OVER it – when the country is in a state such as it is now, getting pressed over the ancillary stuff is a terrible waste of time and, more importantly, resources. People, if you waste your time on things that, at the end of the day (sorry – overused I know), reall8y don’t directly effect you (case in point is this whole pro-choice / pro-life thing.: does what I do with my vajayjay REALLY, truly, arguably have any DIRECT correlation on the quality of your life? SURE, me killing the unborn may made you sad. It may make you cry. You may worry to yourself, “what if she kills the baby Jesus with her heathen, abortive ways!!! Oh my Werrrrrd!!!”.

Let me assure you, I am NOT the vessel to house and deliver the next Jesus to you. First of all, it would seem that I’m unable to bear boy-children, as evidenced by my two glorious, insanely awesome dooters.

Second of all, we’ve already established that I’m a dirty flippin heathen. So, there’s that, too. And also, too…LOL at SP!

Anyway, that’s the poop with that. It’s dark outside, there are no coyotes to shoot, and it’s almost debate time, so I guess I’ll smell you in a fewsky.

AWESOME! Here’s the prediction (8:39PM):

McFail is going to possibly throw the Ayers thing at Obama and Obie’s going to smack him down.

OR – McFail will outsmart us all and NOT bring that up.

Then again, at every single opportunity since the Palin pick, McFail has, well, Failed. So I’m not banking on him pulling something spectactular out of his rectum and WOWing us all, let’s put it that way.

The pundits echo my sentiments. To the point, sometimes, where I secretly suspect that they are acting most piratically (yeah, Biscuit! Props!) and completely stealing my material. What else is new? (Adjust tin foil hat in 3…2…1).

You know what else? Not for nothing, I really like that Mrs. Obama. She’s *classy* and it is about damn time we had some class back in D.C. This is not to cast aspersions on Mrs. Bush (any of them), as they have been pretty classy throughout. But Michele Obama brings a newer, richer, more robust and (most importantly) RELATABLE class to the arena today. She’s classy. She’s not riddled with sketchy rumours. She’s down to earth. She’s genuine [and if she’s not genuine, I don’t care – she’s just fine in my eyes].

And Obama? Seriously, if you can’t find a way to at *very* least RESPECT the man, there is something wholly wrong / empty / missing from you, if I’m being honest. I make no assumptions for the future; I’m not that naïve. Every man has the potential for fallibility. But at every turn; given every opportunity, I have not seen Barack Obama fail. I have not (most importantly) ever had a moment of disgust with him. I have never had to wonder about his character. I’ve listened to the words spoken by him directly, versus listening to the idiocy of sound-bytes, third parties, newsflashes, etc. I didn’t have to listen to the pundits, did not have to be swayed or otherwise convinced by them on the subject of Barack Obama. (But holy SHIAT I wish that man would lay off the text messages already! Obama supports, can I get an “A-MEN!”. Yeah, you know what I’m sayin’….

(Drumroll) 9?02PM EST.

Let’s welcome Barack Obama and John McSame!

YEAH SHIeffer!

Let’s get it on!

Bad day on Wall Street [drink!]

MC: tax cuts cap gains / tax breaks seniors

OB: 60 mil tax breaks, middle low income / TVA / bridges

Why is your plan better?

M: thanks, thanks, thanks. OH GOD WITH THE NANCY REAGAN!!!!!!! Americans are hurting. Angry. Innocent victims. Wall Street! Washington, D.C. New direction. Proposal – he said it, I don’t need to repeat it. Long term fixes. Er, short term fixes. Catalyst was Fannie & Freddie. [OMG I’m GOING TO START SWEARING SOON] Hope / belief / homes / American Dream / 750 Billion – let’s use 300 Billion of that to buy shitty assets and bail out broke people!!!! What about the people that paid their mortgages? Well, you don’t want their ‘hoods turning into shanty towns, now, do ya?

Senator OB?

OB: Thanks, yeah yeah. Worst financial crisis [DRINK!]…I told you people – you didn’t want to listen. You know how much CEOs get for a bonus when they run a company into the ground?!?!?!

1-JOBS! End tax breaks for cos shipping out jobs / tax breaks for cos making jobs in America

2 – tax breaks for ppl making under 200K / access to IRAs without tax penalty (wait, what?)

3 – disagree w/McFail on how to help homeowners – we’re gonna pay FULL PRICE for shiat that’s already been marked down!??!?! Daaaayummmmmm!~

let’s fix the shiat that matters to people…..

McFail: ohio / plumber / wertzelberger? Wahh, he can’t buy the business, WAHHH because the scary black man is going to thwart him! (Wahhhhmbulance!!!!! Hep me!) Obie talks about the very rich / joe-six pack I’ll totally gargle your nutsack and make everything beautiful for you! I will increase your penis size by like 4 inches! I will give you a magical controller that has the ability to mute your wife! I will mow your plaw – PLEEEASE VOTE FOR ME (sob!) oh pleeeeeeeezee Joe!!!! (sniffle)

OB: (eyeroll) Srsly, dude? You suck. How much time do I have left, Moderator Shieffer? 2 minutes, 30 seconds? OK, I’m pretty much going to say “you suck” over and over for the next 2 minutes, kay?

BS: uh, sounds good!

McFail: Gack!

OB: just shittin’ ya. I talked to “joe” too, he says you’re full of shit, McFail

McFail: Don’t call me that!!!!

OB: (whispers) Mc Phaaaaaaaaaaaiiiilllllll (ch-ch-ch / huh-huh-huh).

McFail: He’s BROWN! And he will, in keeping with his brown-ness, STEAL YOUR MONEY!!!!!!

OB: Dude, Warren Buffett, mofo – do you speak it??? Because *I* do. My Warren Buffet trumps your cheesy Jeebus / gun rack / troglodytes. HA HA!

Oh snap – 9:12pm – mreoooow! Cat fight over taxes and McFail spewing lame, fallacious “facts” and figures and (of course) platitudes and incongruities.

Deficit: Sux to be you. Both of you. Whatcha gonna do about it? Some peeps analyzed it and you’re BOTH full of crap. What you got?

“Aren’t you both ignoring reality?” Give us specifics.

OB: let’s start with not wasting the 700 billion we’ve already butt-raped you for. So, yeah, some of the crap I’m promising you prolly ain’t gonna happen. Sorry. Sux to be you. (yack, yack, yackity, yack…diseases…medicare…energy…save money…china…invest…college…drive economy…ECONOMIC CRISIS [DRINK]

NICE! “PROFLIGATE!” sorry, dingbats who hate “book learnin’”. Sorry you will have to either look that word up, or writhe a little inside as a result of the cranky that happens when your soul realizes you’re a DUMMY.

McFail: energy independent! Millions of jobs! Spending freeze! OHHH HATCHET / SCALPEL (DRINK). “WE” have presided over the biggest yack yack….10 trillion debt…china….I know how to do it!! I do!!!

Uh, how?

Uhhh, STUFF! You know!! Ethanol! Um, er, ETHANOL!! Uhh, whatever – I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!!! I F*CKING KNOW HOW TO DO ITTTTTT!! VETO! VETO! PORK PORK PORK!!! PORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!! OVERHEAD PROJECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!! OMG I’m LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD (9:19PM).

Ok, I seriously think I just had a debate orgasm. OVERHEAD PROJECTOR!!! (Frig it, I’m going for two!!! I’m greedy like that!!!)

(god, I’m literally short of breath for that, and I think I need a smoke – whew that was good).

OB: [yack yack yack / trillion / deficit / McFAIL. Srsly. McFAIL.

A-ss-ho-le.

McFail: I’M NOT BUSH! HATCHET / SCALPEL!!!!! That one voted for yack yack, taxes on ….$42K income…yack, energy independence. Energy independence!!!! I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!

He seriously looks like he’s going to ASPLODE in like 14 seconds. God, I hope I’m still conscious, being that they’ve hit every major DRINK word in just the first 22 minutes of this thing.

(eyeroll). Now McFail has laid down the gauntlet – this is the big one, folks.

OB: charter schools / clean coal / - REACHING AROUND THE AISLE!!! [DRINK].

Ah, the great Washington REACH AROUND. OHHHH And a Fixed News dig!!! Nice.

“If I’ve mistaken Bush’s / Your policies, uh, sorry about that – but YOU ARE JUST LIKE HIM!!!!!” Yay you, being ,kind of against torture – that’s generous of you, considering.

McFail: Oh I’ve TOTALLY ….disgreed – LOOK AT THE SCARS!!! Earmarks!!! [DRINK!] (medic, bring the replacement liver, please, this one’s no good no mo’) I’m a FIGHTER!! Blink blink blinky blinkity blink!!

BS: say it to each other’s FACES, bitches!

McFail: it’s been hard! Really hard! (don’t forget Poland!) Town hall meetings, blah blah [“I just lost the election, bitches – 9:26pm].

Yeah, the tone of the campaign C OULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT, but I’m retarded and so is my ENTIRE campaign staff, my advisors, weep weep, and my VP pick is just titties and ass, titties and ass. REPUDIATE {drink, if you still can}.

Who the f*ck is John Lewis?

MS: Obie SPENDS MONEYYYY!!!!UT OH HHHHHH – public money thang! Ohhh, you broke your promise.

You know what, while I FIRMLY believe it’s too late for McFail, I have to at very least throw him a bone here – he doesn’t suck as much as he has the last few times and at this point it’s probably the best anyone can hope for.

Obie: dude, 100% of your ads are lies / negative / etc. HA HA ON YOU, OLD MAN! Healthcare / energy / tax policy…the notion that because we’re not doing town hall meetings, that somehow justifies the craptactular ads - that’s RETARRRRDED. Can we please get back to the issues instead of this inane bullshiat? Oh yeah, elitist haters? Inane means “really traded”. Better? (eyeroll)

McFail: WATCH MORE TEE VEE / SPORTS TEAMS, yeahy!!!! Boo hoooo, you TOTALLY attacked me and like, wicked lied and WAHHHHHHHHH! I love immigrants! Someone needs to mow my 14 lawns!!!! Obama spends WAYYY too much money!! WAHH!!! JOE THE PLUMBER (is just code for Joe Sixpack). What’s next, Joe Plumber’s Crack?

OB: oh, Congressman Lewis? He said you suck, McFail – all that “kill him / terrorist “ crap and your loser running mate said NOTHING!?!?!? Lewis TOTALLY defended me, bitach! BAM!

McFail: stutter / stutter / flail / but-but-but CLINTON! Stew / steam / fester…..

OB: TALK TO THE HAND / Shut your whore mouth when the MEN are talking!

McFail: b-b-b-but – sputter / well / wait! OFF my LAWN! Hurrr hurrrrrr

OB: PIMP HAND!

McFail: I love my hillbillies! American flags! Veterans!! WAR! Rah rah!!! Rah rah rallies! Screw that!! Too bad!! BLACKIE!!!!!!!! Re-PYEW-DEE-ATE mother forker!!!! I ain’t havin’ it.

OB: is this guy firkin serious with this shiat? No, really, Seriously? Is he kidding me with this? Holy crap, I think he’s lost it. Honestly. All campaign crap aside, I’m gonna back off a bit on this one, because homey’s going to crack and frankly, this is a thousand-dollar suit and I don’t want old man dura-matter shmutz on it. Yeck!

McFail: Who am I? Why am I here?? ACORN!!! Voter Fraud!! Fabric of Democracy.

OB: LOLZ!!!! Geezer. (thinking) you suck dude – give it up. Lamer.

OB: ahem. Ok, uh, really with Mr. Ayers? I mean, REALLY!?!?!? (Cue PIMP HAND). Ayers I a professor – I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I said that shiat sucked. WE WERE ON A CHARITY BOARD, RONALD REAGAN / Annenberg. An EDUCATIONAL thing – we weren’t out bombing, we don’t play golf, he isn’t getting a cabinet position. So here, rink this nice glass of STFU. As to ACORN, some of their lame assed, minimum wage LACKEYS made some shiat up – what, you never worked for a survey company in the mall, for which you’d make $5 per survey and you figured, “what the fark, I’ll just make a bunch of shiat up and get my money”. No, McFail OF COURSE you haven’t because you DUMPED YOUR DISFIGURED WIFE FOR A BEER HAIRESS BARBIE!!!!!! Respectfully, I must ask you to eat a bowl of dick van dykes, McFail.

McFail: DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!!

OB: you’re full of shiat and you know it.

McFail: Ohhh Ayers wanted to bomb MORE!!!

OB: you mean like, bomb – bomb-bomb, bomb bomb …pentagon?

BS: (eyeroll)_ yeah whatever. Sorry I saked. NEXT issue. The running mate thing.

HOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO {DEFINITELY DRINK HERE]

Why is Joe biden better than Sarah whats-her-tits?

OB: LOOLZ!!!! For reals!??!?!?!/ Ummmm, I’m gonna go with “opposable thumbs” on this one, Bob. Yep – that’s really as far as I need to go with that, honestly. Sarah Palin? A frankenstinian “journalism” degree (wasn’t it a minor in journalism?) from uh, what, I-da-hoe State Community Bed & Breakfast / ATM and Colledgje? LOLZ, dude. You’re cracking my shiat up. (If you assassinate my ass, JOE BIDEN is your president, so think about that before you reach for that gat, B).

McFail: Have you SEEN Palin’s titties? Biatch has popped like 5 kids out of that clown car and is STILL totally hittable. She’s a BREAST…er, BREATH of fresh air!!! Oh yeah! She understands those helmet wearing kids and the uh, otterism, and um, er…TITTIES. And uh, she’s wicked good with the ‘tards, dontcha know!

OB: Uhhhh, yeah…she’s a…uh….capable…uh…yeah, she’s excited the uh…, um, retards. Uh….AUTISM….um, crap, we have to pay for that shiat, right? Put your money where your mouth is, biatch. “Hatchet and scalpel, my ARSE”.

BSL Is joe Binden qualified?

McFAIL: NO, he votes AGAINST war – so he’s a tard!!! He wanted to divide Iraq into THREE countries, but now the Iraquis like, totally LOVE each other! Hurr hurr, what a dummy!! Obama wants to SPENNNNND MORRRRREEEEE!!! Ooogah boogah!! TAXES!!!! 860BILLION!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

(uh, how much is that Iraq war tab at this point?)

Here we go with the oil question.

McFail: we’re going to invade….(drumroll) VENEZUELA!!!!!

I can take a break here, because the oil thing is a SHAM / a game / a ruse, and you can take that shiat to the bank.

….aaaand we’re back!!

OB: car dealers are getting hammered!!

(yep, they too, like we, are playing the Debate ChugaLug World Series ’08)

OB: if we can fix energy, we can stop all the bullshiat….HEARTLAND! Wind! Solar! Clean energy! Driver of the Economy! Next Century (that McFail won’t be around to see)

mcFail: yargh! HE WANTS NO PRECONDITIONS! We’re going to invade VENEZUELA, Biatches! Didn’t you hear me like 10 minutes ago??? Screw Huga Chavez!!! HOOOO-VERRRRRR!! Deep recession into depression! Nawt gonna happen on MY WATCH!

HEALTHCARE:

OB: god this is boring. I’ve already said it a million times, so, in an effort to avoid redundancy, I’m just going to now sing the “you suck” chorus and direct my melodious tones in McFail’s general direction until my light goes on and I have to stop. Ready? Youuuu-oooo-ooo suuuck, suck suck suck, youuOooOooOo SOooooooOOOOOuuuper suck suck suck! (Like my staccato?) MMMM, drugs! Computers! We’re going to use COMPUTERS! Doesn’t that frighten you a teensy bit, mcFAIL?

McFail: Grrrrrrr!!!!! (clothing seams ripping ever so slightly / skin pallor taking on a verdant hue – visible only to the most discerning of bate-watchers!) We have to do lots of stuff! Let’s put your health care records On Line!! Fitness! Nutrition! OH god with the piece of shiat $5K healthcare tax credit and JOE THE PLUMBER!! Capital gains increase – OBAMA IS BROWN!! OOOGAH BOOGAH!!!!! Oh JOE PLUMBER, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! I will even RAKE YOUR LEAVES!!! You know how hard it is for me to rake?? I was a PEE OH DUBLEYEW! For FIVE YEARS!!!

OB: I’d love to talk to you too, “Joe” (if you even exist), because I’d tell you that YOU WON’T PAY SHIAT, ok? NADA. ZIP. ZILCH! Only the fat-cat rich biatches will pay. And THAT is some MAVERICKY SHIZZLE righ there. HAH! In your FACE, McFail!!!!

McFail: mumble muble, lawn, off it….ywhargarbl!

OB: Mmmm, yeah…..$5K tax credit? HAAAA LOLZ! Old people? Oh, you’re SCREWED. McFail will have been long since dead and frankly, quite dessicated and will leave you with NOTHING! And you *will* live in a cardboard box, under a bridge, just like you’ve always feared. McFail wants to FED UP the healthcare system, taking the power away from the states – which is our LAST defense against total and complete exposure to the League of Tards that ARE the Feds.

McFail: BIG GOVERNMENT! TAXES! Ooogah Booogahhhh – He’s BROWWWWWNNNNNN!!!! OOOOGAHHH!!! You’ll all get shiatty heal insurance, don’t worry!!! Not for you fancy people with your penicillin and your bandaids and your plastic surgery and your transplants!!!! BIG GOVERNMENT – did I mention that? Oh Joe, I will gently stroke that furry place between your shank and your pooper – doesn’ that sound nice!?!?!?!? VOTE FOR ME PLEEEZE!!!!

OB: wow – a $5K tax credit to replace a $12K health plan. That’s f*ckin BRILLIANT, dude. You really got me on that one.

And in this corner, ROE!!! And in this corner, WADE! DING DING DING! Let’s gitttit AWN!

McFail: litmus test / supreme court judges / democrats suck, hate conservatives! I voted for some libby leaning judges – VOTE FOR ME PLEEZE!!! ICAN HAS PRESIDENZY? Yackity, yack, babble…whargarbl. I’ll pick the BESTEST people EVAR!!! Legislating from the bench [DRINK]

(LOLZ for McFail trying to “out-consitution the CONSITUTIONAL LAW PROFESSOR” Sweet baby jeebus on the CROSS is that some hilarious crap right there).

OB: ONE of us will be president, (cough-NOT YOURS!-cough). Puhlease with this Roe v;. Wade stuff. Sure, abortion sucks. Guess what? If you feel that way too, YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE ONE. Know what else though? You forcing your religious convictions on other people is one of the most egregious acts of TERRORISM imaginable if held up against the standards set forth both in the constitution and in the tenets and intent of the founding fathers of this country. It’s an amendment. It PASSED. It hasn’t been overturned for a reason – because a majority of the populous believes it is WRONG to restrict other people’s LIBERTIES. And you should too, you colossal IDIOT!

McFail: just get married, you whores! Tough crap. The children! Won’t someone please think of the children!?!?!?!? (This guy has absolutely no idea what the word “nuance” means….Ugh.).

[Ice Cream Break]

McFail – “pro-abortion” movement? What kind of an out-of-touch TAMPON is this guy? Seriously??????

Schieffer: We FAIL at education. What the farsky with that?

OB: we’re FARKED if we don’t get the education thing on track. More money or reform? BOTH! Hello, KINDERGARTEN! DUH! Math & Science, biatches! God this shiat is SO BASIC, I can’t believe I have to actually explain it to you. Parents, time to step up and stop letting the tee vee babysit for you, eh?

[WIN!]

McFail: Damn. I’m tired. (yawn) uh, ghetto schools (he’s BROWN!!!! REMEMBER THAT!!! NEW ORLEANS!! HARLEM!). Rich people should get to send their kids to good schools! And by good schools, I mean VANILLA ones! They don’t need more MONEY, they need, uh, um…teacher rewards!! Military!

What the F*CK did I just hear him say?????: Military people can just BECOME teachers and shouldn’t hav eto take those stupid “tests” and have those ridiculous “qualifications”.

Ok, folks. I’m going outside the norm here and rather than freaking the f*ck out, I’m just going to close (before I stroke out) and remind you that you’re hearing it here first (or not, whatever) – McFAIL is IN THE TANK FOR OBAMA!!!!! McFail is totally throwing this election. What he just said is perhaps the MOST asinine, nonsensical thing I’ve ever heard from a candidate for president. And OH BABY is that saying a lot. Er, “a lot”. Also, too.

LOLZ!

p.s. if you haven't passed out yet, and are still somewhat coherent, WHAT THE FORK WITH THE ELMER FUDD STUTTERING, Nervous McShaky?

Knockout in round 3? You Betcha!

Ready for tonight's festivities?

Drink when McCain says "my friends" — it seems an obvious choice, but it's relatively recent habit of his; he used it only twice in the Sept. 26 debate, ratcheting it up to 20 times for the second debate. Before you drink, though, raise your glass and say "To all my friends!" (you know, like Mickey Rourke in "Barfly"? Anyway ...)

When either candidate prefaces a thought with an emphatic "Look ... " (Obama has been pegged in particular with this verbal tic, but a check of the transcripts shows that each used it 10 times in the two debates).

If Obama uses the word "pie." As reported by ABC News, he used it 13 times in 86 seconds while telling a story in a speech the other day, apparently about pie.

If a reference is made to the financial "crisis" (27 times in two debates) drink once; if a reference is made to the Great Depression (four times), drink twice; any mention of the word "recession" (zero times) drink three times.

Drink if McCain expresses contempt for astronomy (he twice criticized Obama's $3 million request for a Chicago Planetarium projector in the last debate).

Drink up if McCain says "maverick" — counterintuitively, he's only used it twice in the last two debates. Palin used it six times in her matchup with Biden (to make the case that her running mate is one), while Biden used it nine times (to make the case that he's not).

If McCain says "fight" — he hasn't used it much in the debates, but he uttered the word 19 times in a speech the other day.

"Go 'way! 'Bate'n!"

PRESIDENT PALIN! click that - it's funny as SHIAT!

The Librul Medeya! Durrrr!

Mr. Absurd RAWKS IT. For reals.

He just went on an awesome rant about how for the last 8 years, the "liberal media" has been lambasted for "not calling people on their shit" and now they *are*, and it's frankly BEAUTIFUL! The "oh, the liberal media is skewing shit / interpreting / spinning, etc." but the reality is that they're NOT, they're using actual words, actual video, etc. and letting the NeoCon assholes HANG THEMSELVES.

I won't vilify those of you that are true conservatives / true Republicans (if, and ONLY if you actually understand what that means - if you are a cawk-gargling, fraudulent, Fixed News -yeah I said it - I used an Olbermanism, so SUE ME- tard, then your opinion is wholly and completely irrelevant in this context), but I will certainly and continuously and everpresently vilify the wretched abomination that IS the neoconservative movement in this country...

Sorry - I spun out there. If you're a neocon piece of crap, I firstly hope you DIE IN A FIRE, as the kids say, becuase you have brought this country to the bring of UTTER desctruction. You have crapped and pissed over the ENTIRETY of the constitution and you have in no uncertain terms violated every tenet this country was founded on. I seriously hate you guys. I seriously, SERIOUSLY hate that you have created an environment where it's more acceptable for me to use the word FUCK in a missive versus using "conservative". You have destroyed everything even remotely related to the concepts of conservatism - you have HIJACKED all that conservatism is. And for that, YOU "my friends" are the REAL terrorists. You attacked this country, you undermined our basic concepts, you spewed your vitriol, your hatred, your divisiveness and let me just say, in no uncertain terms that you miserable, rotten WHORES deserve EVERYTHING YOU GET starting on November 5th, and long, long after that. Your brand of thuggery and those of your ilk will have died by your own hand. You have jumped on the sword, but in diametrical opposition to that which is honored in (for example) Japan. You are dirty, evil, underhanded miserable wretches and I am going to be filled with the explosive orgasms inherent in SCHADENFREUD when you lose! And you GET NOTHING! And I say GOOD DAY SIR!

I said GOOD DAY.

You, the neoconservatives - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - the Kristols, the Wolfowitzes, the Bush (the W, not sure if the dad bush is so horrible - I suspect he isn't....I digress), the f'n Fraudulent Clowns of Hannity / Limbaugh / and that utter DEWSH Frum. You, frankly, SUCK. I pray to baby Jesus that your day of reckoning has come.

What? I'm not allowed to pray to Jesus for the divine providence of watching your political demise? Oh, if I pray to Allah, will that somehow make it better for you? Then you can hate me, since I would then be considered a sub-human who prays to an evil, bad TURRIST?

To those of you who have driven this country into the pile of shit we're in now, I simply say [insert rapid fire stream of expletives here]. How you can sleep at night is utterly beyond my comprehension. The shame you should feel should wake you up in the middle of the night screaming / sweating / freaking out. The shame you should feel when you look in the mirror should make you VOMIT, as it does me, when I think of you and what you have done, and the miserable, fraudulent pieces of CRAP you truly are.

DIAF, you fake f*ckers. Good bye and GOOD RIDDANCE.


OBAMA 08, '12 and on and on and on. I hope you poseurs go to your final resting place gazing on the face of the scary, Arab, turrist, lefty, BLACK PRESIDENT

"Ye shall reap what ye sow".

REAP IT BITCHES!~

Must Reads....

"In June 2007, a cruise hosted by the political journal The Weekly Standard set anchor in Juneau, Alaska. Standard editors William Kristol and Fred Barnes then lunched with Governor Sarah Palin. It was a moment of discovery to equal Hernando Cortez’s landing at Veracruz."

Read the article here . It kinda gave me the willies - if I NEVER have to hear some of the names in the article (Kristol, Rove et al.) again, it will still be too soon.


Even better? This:

McCain and the POW Cover-up

Picking scabs.

So, in pondering whether this blog thing is my coloring book or just a piece of crap within the confines of which I yammer on endlessly, I realize it doesn't much matter.

Now, before the muscle relaxer kicks in (been having fucked up back issues for like 3 months - feeling slightly mad about it, in the English sense of the word, though I suppose I am also angry about it, to some degree), there was something I wanted to relate to you, but I'm not sure I remember exactly what it was.

It has something to do with picking scabs. And how much it sucks when something enters your cleverly-constructed defense mechanism, strikes a direct hit and sends you reeling. I have a deep-rooted belief in a half-baked, probably retarded supposition that somehow, if we listen closely enough, or are otherwise in tune to it enough, we secretly know something about what's going to inevitably going to take us out in the end. And let me tell you, it scares the absolute SHIT out of me - there, I said it.

Monsieur Absurd and I were watching some movie tonight, or rather, he was watching the movie and I was diddling with my digital music playback device, my laptop, my blog, other folks' blogs, and of course, the requisite Legendary Thread(tm) on Fark. Like an asshole, I manage to shift my attention from my diddling to the movie at exactly the moment Adam Sandler describes the last conversation he had with his wife before the aircraft that she (and their children) are travelling on, slam into one of the World Trade Center towers on...yeah, that day. Can't remember the title of the movie, but that awesome dude from the Ocean's XX movies is in there as well - he and Sandler are dentists and Sandler's character's whole fucking family dies on one of The Planes.

Within, oh, I'd say 18 to 35 seconds, I'm fucking crying and I'm outenzie. Fwwwwoosh! Out of the room, nab the computer and the comforter, put the half-finished bowl of ice cream back in the freezer, take a muscle relaxer and here I am, telling you my greatest fucking fear. That secretly, I know I'm going out like that -- not in a terrorist attack, jesus H. christ, but fast. Suddenly. And I will regret all of the ways I fucked up in this life, and all of the people I wish I had been better to, closer with, more giving towards. I'll regret that I was never, ever able to be what I thought I was supposed to be to my unbelievably, ridiculously, psychotically AWESOME babies; that I was never able to leave behind a cohesive work - a piece of me that was quintessential and resonating and whole for both them and for myself, selfishly. I'll regret that somehow I always knew that the stupid shit I did would fuckin' pay off accordingly - although for shits and giggles, despite the fact that I'm opting for the oven-crisped method of disposal when the time comes, I just might have "I wish I'd Smoked More!" inscribed on my tombstone, because that's how I roll.

So there. There you have it. You lucky sons of bitches. You, the anonymous reader who ended up here accidentally. Now you know something about that little black hole that I think we all have, but we never, ever speak of.

That fuckin' movie. Don't watch it. It sucked. I think. Stupid feelings.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled political / societal / fromage-from-under screed, already in progress.

Friday night is the new Thursday night, yo!

So, it's Friday night and in like the span of 1 hour, I've now seen TWO "Breaking News" alerts - the first that McCain actually defended Obama's character today, when faced with yet more of his DEWSHY, ASSHAT, IGNORANT TARD-TACULAR supporters -- you notice I don't use hillbilly, because hillbillies rawk (well, some do....) and that just wouldn't be right -- spewing their hate-filled, utterly incomprehensible fucking BILE, along the lines of "terrorist!" and "kill him". Those pieces of shit should DIAF and burn in the hell that must certainly be their miserable lives. EABOD, you fucking losers.

Ok, so, I guess I should throttle down on the rant. My back hurts and I'm exhausted. So I'm crabby. But it doesn't excuse you miserable shitty douche-licking whore bags. And that's putting it mildly. F*CK YOU for your racist, ignorant, "book learnin' hatin'" GARBAGE that is the etiology of the cancer that is destroying this country. I can't WAIT until you have to sit and eat shiat EVERY SINGLE DAY as you are faced with the reality of a OHHHH SCARY BROWN PRESIDENT!

I will laugh. I will laugh HARD. And I will LAUGH AT YOU for sucking so badly at life. You are the epitomy of FAIL, cawk-punches. Yeah, you - the ones with the secret belief that Obama has ANYTHING to do with the TURRISTS. You are repugnant motherf*ckers. And you deserve the hell that is your life.

Second "news flash" of the night, as it turns out, OMG Palin is a lying sack of shiat, obsessed with power, (cough-VIOLATED STATE LAW-cough) and a total harpie!!!! OMG!!!11!11!Elenventy!

in case you missed it: VIOLATED STATE LAW

OMG I can't wait til November 4th so I can vote in another dirty, lying, miserable, fallacious, underhanded, devoid of scruples / conscience / a SOUL group of C-BAGGERS. YAYYY!!! I, for one, welcome our fascist, inherently EVIL pieces of crap Overlords!! VOTE KANGA! (Abortions for some, Small American Flags for others!)

DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ya F*CKIN TARDS!?!??!??!?! What the f*ck have we been TELLING YOU since, like, 3 seconds after it was announced that she was the pick for VP.

I am telling you this now, if McSame somehow manages to STEAL this election (too) I will lose my shit. I will definitely stroke out, or at very least have a F*CKING ANNEURISM.

If those of you that are f*cking clinically RETARDED manage to vote in another set of fucking LOSERS of the ilk we've just had to spend EIGHT F*CKING YEARS suffering under - OMG, you seriously deserve the f*cking HERPES OF THE EYE and perhaps even the itching, burning, fissured ANUS. Because you're hateful, miserable, rotten, MISGUIDED troll-tards and you should have your voting privvies REVOKED!

Stay tuned - seems like all the good shit comes out on (you guessed it!) Friday night.

/I think it's muscle relaxer time. I'm somewhat peeved.

She's not dumb, she's just drawn that way....

Awesome. Read it.

"I don't think Palin is dumb; she is just proudly ignorant, a cynical opportunist and a pathological liar. " -Andrew Sullivan, The Atlantic Monthly

So? What do you think? Dow @ 8,200 today?

The Asian markets took a beating over night (sucks when you invest in a country run by total douchenozzles, right "my friends" in the pacific rim?)

Don't worry Asia, we'll uh, totally pay you back...someday....or not.

/disclaimer: a SIGNIFICANT portion of this country *didn't* vote these tards in - EITHER time. Of course, there's a decent amount of doubt that we ever voted them in in the first place. Thanks Diebold!!

Dear god I pray / hope / URGE this shiat to change and to change NOW. People of Earf, do NOT become complacent in the face of rising poll numbers. On November 4th YOU MUST GO VOTE!!!!!! Do NOT sit home on your broke asses, tokin' on the bong and eatin' the cheetos and think "eh, Obama's totally got this one in the bag, I can chill here with my homeys and my "Ow My Balls", because if you do? You'll end up reaping what you sowed. And that will SUUUUCK!

This country pulled it's shit together during the great depression and I have to believe that, with an educated, eloquent, **respectable** and admirable leader at the helm, we can do it again. Anyone else just holding their breath until Nov. 5th, until the nightmare is over? I am. If I NEVER have to feel disgust, anger, resentment and loathing for the holder of the office of the President of the United States, it will be too damn soon. If I never have to watch a clown-car-load of total ASSHATS steer this ship into a fucking maelstrom of FAIL, it will be TOO SOON!

GET OUT AND VOTE ON NOVEMBER 4th.
It's our ONLY hope.

p.s. welp, it's 11:15am and we're already at 8,200.....if a DOLT like me can take a guess and be right on this shiat, WHY CAN'T THE PEOPLE RUNNING IT STOP SUCKING AT IT?!!?!?!?

Hate to say I told you so, but....

F*CKING SCARY.

Welcome to 8-thousdands land, pilgrims!

and, LOLZ:

For this, I'll vote for Palin! You Betcha!!

Palin Invited To Join The Pussycat Dolls

PUSSYCAT DOLL NICOLE SCHERZINGER has invited U.S. vice presidential candidate SARAH PALIN to join the sexy girl group, if her election campaign fails next month (Nov08).The singer is convinced former beauty queen Palin has got what it takes to join the all-singing all-dancing five-piece.The Buttons hitmaker says, "She seems like a headstrong woman, a tough chick. And she's hot."It's not the only offer on the table for the 44-year-old Republican governor of Alaska - Playboy boss Hugh Hefner has already asked her to strip naked in the famous men's magazine.

Now THAT is some change I can believe in!!

Old School!

p.s. DOW going into the 8-thousands today, folks. You heard it here first.

Prezzie'Bate II: Electric Boogaloo

ACT II – The Second Presidential Debate: (10.7.08)

AWESOME!!! Countdown to the debate. Have to go cut my nails so I can type WICKED fast. (Massholes in the HIYOUSE!)

(cue video of McFail and Mrs. McMoneybags debarking from the McFail express jet. McFail plane – tail tags – instead of N6794Q, MCFAIL! Air traffic control, come again?)

OK, I’ve cut off my fingernails and even buffed them down just a little so I can type way wicked faster, and it’s now 6 minutes (6 minutes dougie fresh you’re on, uh uh on!) until the debate. I’m free …balling!....er, falling….she loves jesus and horses too – sorry Failin moment…..

6 minutes til the debate. SO TOTALLY READY. All of the indicator lights are looking pretty damn green – McFail is UNSTOPPABLE as a total and complete Fail Machine!!! OMG – how can you not LOVE this guy for the abject FAIL his campaign has embodied throughout this election season??? What really scares me thought is that I kind of feel like it’s possible that this is yet another freaky Rovian plot, whereby they (the neocons) know there is something SO horrible and SOOOO ugly coming down the pike (they think), that they were like “Bro – seriously, you need to throw this election – FOR REALS” to McCain. Why the fark not? Let the dems take the fall for the last 8 years – please keep in mind the attention span of the average American – OMG look at that pretty bird! Ohh, the colors.

See what I mean? Yeah – sad, but true.

“Ginned up” said by Chris Matthews? Really? What does that even mean?

OH JESUS farkin’ Chris Matthews just invoked JFK – really bro?!?! WTF????? I’m telling you RIGHT NOW – if something happens to Senator Obama in the weeks, months or years from now, we need to SERIOUSLY rise up and have a good old fashioned REVOLUTION or anarchy or SOMETHING, because that will be some SERIOUSLY farked up shit, and I think, were it to come to pass, that I would unequivocally have a goddamned nervous breakdown at that point.

I’d move to the middle of farkin’ nowhere, Canada (or Mexico – not so much with the cold, ya feel me?), live completely and totally off the grid and prolly be that farken weird grandma all obsessed with her guns, apron, pies, corn crop and mayhem. You know the kind – maybe that’s your Nana too? Kay, not really my nana – they’re both in the afterlife now. They were pretty special though – Nana Green , fresh off the boat from Germany (Hausach!) and Nana Fern, right from the hizzie in Napoli, bitaches!

AW YEAH LET’S GET IT ON! (9:01pm, live from Tennessee it’s (um….) PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE LIVE!~

Slight eye-roll at Tom Brokaw, but I’m not sure why. I kinda think it might be because he’s been satirized so many times – mocked up, if you will. Yeah, the audience is totally going to be quiet. The fark with THAT shit.

And in this corner, BARAAAAAAAKKKK OHHHH BAAAH MAAHHHHHH!!!!
What a contrast – short / tall, black / white, gimpy / awesome…..curmudgeonly and carbuncular vs. smooth and elegant.

Oh boy – Section A question– Alan Schaeffer.

With the economy on the shitter and us old people being like WTF – what are you gonna do for me, bitch?

O: Thanks peeps – we are in the shitter – seriously, it SUCKS! I’d be scared too if I were a broke-assed mofo like you….but honestly, Bush III again? You’d even consider voting for that asshole? You can’t be serious. Now I’m gonna give you a shitload of facts so you know that my name is the LORD! (Heh heh. Samuel L. Jackson).

Bama, if you can make sure these goddamned piece of SHIT CEOs don’t get their golden showers, er, parachutes from this shit – if that’s the ONE thing you do in 4 years of being president, you will STILL be a farking HERO in my book. ASSHOLES!

I love this farkin’ guy – truly. As the magical SP says, “you betcha”

McFail: quack quack quck quck, cock-a-doodle-doo! Amurrickens are pist – I have a plan. MMMM, energy

ARE YOU FARKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?!!??!?!?! DUDE YOU VOTED FOR US TO DUMP OUR FARKING BRAZILLIAN DOLLARS INTO IRAQ / IRAN / OTHER, and now you’re being all “oh, we shouldn’t dump all our money into countries that don’t like us, e.g. countries full of BROWNNNNNNNN PEEEEEOPLLLLLE! Brown people are scary, My Friends™ - REMEMBER THAT! /vote mcFail).

Oh I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dislike this bologna-hole – I just can’t even farking listen to him.

I am so disgusted with JSM, I actually feel bad for him. Just a little. I feel bad that he had a stroke and farkin’ lost his damn MIND and is now up on the public stage making a MAJOR ASS out of himself. I seriously do feel bad for him, because folks, he’s DONE. Stick. Fork. Him. DING! Timer. DONE.

FARK Hank Paulson. For real.

McFail: ahh funny joke about not having Tom Brokaw run the Treasury! “That’s a hard question – well, uh, we need someone people can trust. Warren Buffett likes Obama, he sounds like a good guy – and hey, Meg Whitman – Ebay Lady! Who doesn’t farkin’ LOVE ebay!?!?! Only tards and commies hate eBay! Anyway, blah blah blah, economy sucks cuz, uh, crony-ism, ooga booga brown people, etc.
Obama: I like warren buffet, but you know, I like other people too. Next Treasury Secretary has to help the PEEPS, man! The middle class –HELLO!!! Annnnd, a roundhouse punch – “fundamentals of the economy are sound” quote. LOLZ!
OHHH FAH! (like anyone cares what heObie says after THAT one – like that kind of miscalculation on McCain’s part, that kind of financial FAIL leaves the door open for anyone to care about ANY of the other crapola. Someone get McFail a calculator! Bitch can’t add!)

Oliver: uh, how you gonna hep me out?

McFail: blah blah people are greedy – Main Street / Wall Street! DRINK!

Additional protections – oversight – yes, oh, the taxpayers will TOTALLY get their money back, WINK WINK! Blah blah Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac - OBAMA caused that with his cronies!!!

YOU DIRTY LYING STINKING PIECE OF FARKING CRAP!!!!!! Are you FARKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?:!?!!?

Obama wrote a letter to the feds in farking 2007 warning about this shit and YOU STILL VOTED FOR IT. OMG I seriously LOATHE. THIS. DEWSH.

Obama’s on now, but I need a smoke. GOD McFail fills me with the angry.
So now we’re on economy questions – not sure Obama’s knocking this one out of the park, but frankly, if it came down to it, at this point I’d vote for a farking can of CAT FOOD before I’d vote for McFailin. I shit you not.

McFail: yeah, you should feel shitty – it SUCKS to be poor like you.
“reaching across the aisle”!!! DRINK

Lieberman – what a DOUCHE. “bipartisanship” DRINK

Reform – DRINK!!!!!

Citizens Against Gov’t Waste?

“liberal” spending!?>>!>! I hate this guy – I HATE liars.

Obama’s going to put the SMACK DOWN on him for this one – 9:22pm…mark my words. Overhead projector at a Planet-Arium in CHI?!?!?

M cFail: “Look at our records” Yeah, let’s DO THAT – “Native American Basket Weaving Study”, for example, Senator McFail. (opencongress.org)

The FARK you do. You’ve had TWENTY SIX YEARS and what have you done?!?!?!
Sending money overseas?!?!?! (*head asplodes)

TB: What are your priorities?

McFail: What are my choices again? (TB: facepalm) uh, let’s reform all of those – all that shit. Yeah, that’s what we’ll do! Oh uh, by the way, um, old people? You’re farked.

“RONALD REAGAN” DRINK!! “Nuclear power plants / new jobs / alternative fuels…” (that’s why I consistently vote AGAINST them!!! )

“My Friends” DRINK!!

“TERORIST ORGANIZATIONS” (DRINK) [vomit]…(what a dick bag)

TB: OK ‘Bama – can you do “everything” ?

OBama: uh, no – that’d be retarded. Energy needs to cut the shit. Ahhh! Russia, Venezuela – versus “ooga booga middle east”. $15B over ten years – we are free on Middle Eastern oil (and an invocation of JFK – if the Americans wanna do it, it gets done. #2 – healthcare. #3 Education.

Sen. McCain mentioned our records – and mentioned earmarks – I’m gonna go all UP in that shit to make it work! Line by line, biatches! How about our taxes – how we gonna keep up this Bush tax cut shit - $4B?!?!?! WTF? That ain’t right.
TB: What sacrifices will you make?

McFail: Understand you aint getting shit – we’re gonna cut the shit out of everything that doesn’t make “My Friends” and I a profit. “Earmarks” DRINK!~
Asshole, repetitively invoking the overhead projector shit is LAME.
McFail: 9:30pm – Fark Yeah, Ameriiiiikahhh! Git R Done!

OB: (for real, bro!) oh no SHIT he just “nine-eleven’ed”!!!!! WTF?!?!?!? Nice. Gloves, coming off….old man, going down.

Republican ears across the land suddenly at the mere mention of “9-11”…..Like a dog whistle or a siren, when your dog starts howling…”I smell cake!”.

“Oirl”? Hmmm not sure what he means, but I think he knows that at this moment this shit is going in the can TOTALLY for him – how do you fail against MCFAIL? God, Obama would have to be captured on film drinking fetus blood, rollin’ in his ’64, drinking his Gin ‘n Juice (laiiiid back!) smoking a bong and fisting a nun to blow this one, baby. At least, it would take that kind of farked up shit to overshadow the MAJOR PHAIL in the Bush Regime. God almighty – it’s like the biggest Walk of Shame™ EVER. Like, that time you got so drunk, you banged the guy with the farking glass eye, small shween and strange body odor – not to mention the malformed, “my mom was exposed to environmental toxins while pregnant” gymper leg. Shit.

What the fark was I talking about?

Yeah, sorry about the no-no words, but bitch, I have CHILDREN and I work in an OFFICE – these are TWO places I’m not allowed to sputter off the “FARKKKKKKK”s at will, so pretty much you’re all I have. You farkin’ nutty, random, ‘tarded band of chimps like me. I love you guys. Srsly. All like, farkin, 4 of you that might haphazardly end up on this BLAWG, through no fault of your own.
JESUS H CHRIST with this piece of SHIT “$5K tax credit”. OMG what a FARKING SHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (he makes me stabby – that McFail – did I mention that? I hope I wasn’t in any way ambiguous on my feelings around McFail. Yeah, around. I said it. I hate it, but I’m filled with piss and not enough farking chemicals at this point. What can I do to remedy?

LOLZ w/ the “straight talk express lost a wheel on that one”. President Obie, I srsly love you SOOOOO MUCH!

95%, mofo! English!! DO YOU SPEAK IT!~ So, tards who make jack shit money like me, and less, OPEN YOUR EARS AND STOP BEING RACIST ASSHOLES.

Sorry – I told you, I’m out of my goddamned mind tonight. Angry, creepy weirdo farkin’ crackie in my general vicinity this evening that has unsettled me quite fiercely.

Basically, unless you’re a totally money-laden, soulless ass-clown, there is NO WAY ON EARF you can look me in the eye and convince me that McFail is a better choice than Obama.

“my friends” DRINK!~!!! 9:41pm.

Guh- more drinky needed. Shut the FUFCK UP about all the dems you’re BFFs with, McFAIL – YOU’RE A HYUUUUUUUUUUUGE FRAUUUUUUUUUUUUD!!!!!!

Oh, and invoking LIEBERMAN over and over? Wow – that’s some brilliant strategy there – that guy doesn’t seem to know his ass from his elbow and comes off like a complete and utter TOOL, FYI.

Let’s just have all the tards and monkeys bang their stubby, simian digits endlessly on 187 IBM Selectric typewriters for about 150 hours and I GA RON TEE you, those hairy bastards will come up with something BETTER than anything McFail / Bush et al. have perpetrated on us over the last eight years.
Jesus H. Softball question, peppered with “green jobs” n shit. Ughhhh…..
McFail, you didn’t disagree with SHIT, so stop lying.

“President Bush says….blah blah…or something like that….” (McFail)
Oh sweet jesus on the cross.

McFail can barely farking get these words out – buh buh buh battery operated…uh…things, and uh, fireplaces! Yeah! Who doesn’t like a nice fireplace! We can burn the timbers from all those empty houses, heh heh!....(Too soon?)
OB: jesus. I can’t believe I have to dumb it down to this degree for these people. Motherfarkers, education just went to the TOP OF the farkin’ list. Jeeeeezus.
YEAHH OBIEEEE with the “26 years in Congress” slam!!! Been waiting for that one. BOOM! Bonus points. I was hoping he was gonna whip that one out, heh heh. Sen. McFail looooves him some drilling, baby. Yeck. Honestly – if we could have drilled our way out of this shit, don’t you think we WOULD HAVE by now??!?!? Shit, I like money!´ Stop being tards, tards.

TB: lights are on, nobody’s home…..Should we go totally off on a new New-kewlar bomb or make a 2nd silicon valley?

McFail: I like boobies. Blah blah blah, make it until it gets profitable, then take it private……WTF? He’s slamming Buch & Cheney? This motherfarker is hell bent on MAJOR fail….ugh. I don’t envy him.

My friends – DRINK! 9:49PM

“Drill baby drill”. Yeah….. that’ll work. Stammer, stammer – look how much Obama sucks! He’s brown? Did I mention that? He’s BROWN!!!!!

Ohh, Lindsay! (wish she could talk – something about healthcare – commodity – wait, what?

OB: bitches, McFail’s plan AIN’T SHIT. Need I say more?

WHAT THE FARK? 10:08pm and AGAIN with the farking’ McFAIL campaign and their “can’t have anudder HOLLAH-COST”!

And that’s where I kind of faded out, edited this piece of crap and decided to eat some Xanax and call it a night.
Nighters’ biatches.

p.s. Bob Schieffer's gawna rock it OLD SCHOOL! Or something. Whatevs.

Better late than never...(notes from the Veep Debate)

I have concentration issues, so sue me.

Musings from the Veep-Bate 10/2/08:

THE VEEP DEBATE – LET’S GET IT ON! (10/2/08).

“Kin ah cawl ya JOWE?”

Time of Death? 9:27pm. That’s when Palin started to lose it. By 9:32, I actually felt bad for her. It’s not even like Biden’s broken out the A-list shit yet, and she’s already on the ropes. “Drill baby drill”? What fucking planet do you live on, you gaping, vacuous chasm of VOID? I like how every time she tries to employ stats, Biden contradicts each and every one. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

NEW KEW LAR!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK? Still? Still you idiots think that shit plays in oh, ANYWHERE in America?!!? Are ya fuckin’ NUTS? Clearly.

She sucks so hard, I fear the emergence of a black hole of SUCK at any moment. Numbers aren’t your friend, McFAILin.

And on we go to the GHEY question!!!!!

Biden: yep, I’m not a total fucking tard. Let the gheys get married.

Failin: Nope, gays are dirty and an abomination!! But I’m totally tolerant of their “choices”….! Ahhhh – she dodged it by milking the religious thing. Yargh.

Biden: we’re not re-defining shit. Just being fair.

What the fuck just happened!?!?!? Palin “whargarbled” and said “next question”. WHAT THE FUCK? “I’m not going to answer your questions the way you want me to, or “whargarblllllll”.

Failin: O’Bama hates the troops! He cut funding for them!!! OMG! We have to win, we can’t pull out!!! (Because pulling out is birth control, and that’s just wrong!)

Biden: shift responsibility to the Iraqis….even THEY want it! The only odd man out is JMcC – he voted the SAME WAY as Obama w/r/t funding the troops b/c there was NO TIMELINE, asshat!!

Nice!

Biden: Make IRAQ pay for their freedom with their $80B surplus! For John McCain there is NO END IN SIGHT for this war. We will END THIS WAR.

Failin: um….you’re surrendering! You pussy! Our troops! America, fuck yeah! The surge totally worked! We’re done in Iraq when they can take care of themselves…

The TALIBANI and WORKING WITH US?!?!?!? Jesus H. Christ what the FUCK!? “Talibani”:!:!:!:!: [eleventy]

Failin is CHUM right now. (Jaws theme) Ohhh, Biden’s licking his chops. He’s actually having a hard time not laughing out loud at her!! OMG. Can’t blame him. Not one bit.

Palin is unintelligible. Oh shit. And the TRAIN WRECK? 9:44 pm. WOW.

Biden: (more tangible evidence of McCain’s Colossus of FAIL! And a nice jab about Phailin’ never cracking a book).

(AMERICANS, PLEASE NOTE: Joseph Biden has the ability to properly pronounce “NUCLEAR”. Honestly, isn’t that good enough for us after the last 8 years????? It’s fucking NUCLEAR!!! NOT “NUKEYULUHR”).

(yack yack, Pakistan…..zzzz) Ohh BURNNNNNN w/r/t Bin Laden!

Failin: The war on terror is in Iraq now? (There’s that ‘fag’ talk again…and now some New-cular) [insert Israel love here….and two more NUCULARs here].

JEEEEEsussssss – again with the “meeting without preconditions”. You’re a fucking TARD – LEARN HOW TO PRONOUNCE NUCULAR.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? AN “ally like Israel”!?!?!? When is the last time Israel did SHIT for us!??!?!?/

I pretty much just see them engaging in some sick, twisted, German prOn, complete with black patent leather and big red gag-ball (please Jesus, if you’re out there, hear my prayer, let Failin be the SUB here. Pretty please? Red ball gag, mmmmmmm!).

Biden: She’s just fuckin’ retarded….NICE – calling them out on the fallacy of Ahmadinajad’s power in Iran. Calling bullshiton the “passion for diplomacy” – our “friends” are like “cool OUT bitches!”. If we don’t rap with our peeps, and we keep tripping out ‘n shiat, we’re screwed. WTF with dissing Spain, McCain.

Failin: “whargarrrble, also, too….”

WTF? WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING ABOUT SECOND HOLOCAUST?!?!?! /FACEPALM. That shit is like 9-11 x 10x11th power….(head asplode)

There will be NO McCain Palin administration. Give up the dream, biatch.

The FAIL, it burns.

Biden: [rocks it hardcore with the AWESOME Hamas BURN!!!!! Ohhhh with the Hezbullah!!!!]

Failin: Ham- what-now? Hez-bo-who-there, now?

Delish! “Abject failure”!

Failin: No, and I’m glad we both love Israel! (Scuse me?!?!)

(That’s where hubby fuckin lost it and physically went to the TV and wished he could ninja style kill her with a sharp finger through the television – that’s pretty serious.)

Biden: McFail is just Bush in different shoes. They both suck, suck, suck!!! George Bush! Bush! Bush! Bush! FAILLLLLL!!!!!

(Biden is slow-roasting her…..9:56pm – this is so much earlier than I thought it would be)

Wait, now she said “Nuclear”? Did her earpiece come loose? Kim Jung “Ull”? Oh damn back to Noo-cular. Ohh, let’s talk about Afghanistan! “McCain like totally won’t be like Bush, nuh UH!” “Obama said mean things and that’s mean! Think of the children!!”

Biden: Facts matter, Gwen. The dude RUNNING the shit in Afghanistan says the shit we did in Iraq WILL NOT WORK in Afghanistan. The COMMANDING DUDE. He said it. You FAIL! You get NOTHING! Good day, er….lady! I said GOOD DAY!

Fuckin war – the only thing she gets passionate about and sounds half decent on it. Fuckin’ beautiful. GOD I love her so much I wish I could vote for her like twice! (or not)…

Did Biden just falter??? Oops - Nope – she FAILS. “I wiki’d vice president! I know what a VP does!!” [FACE PALM / EYE ROLL]

(annnnnd, SCENE! Cuz I couldn’t friggin bear any more….)

That's. So. Farkin. AWESOME.

It's so beautiful as to potentially cause one to have just a wee tear in one's eye.

Could it be true? Could our long national NIGHTMARE (see: last 8 years) be over???

Bring it home, people. BRING IT HOME!



p.s. you betcha!

Ad Hominem, propaganda, etc.

What I overheard at Rove University

Palin is totally down with the 'Sixpacks' like us, you betcha!

From CBS, so take it's for whatever it is or isn't worth?

"Overall, the 2007 return shows that last year the couple had an adjusted gross income of $166,080 and paid $24,738 in taxes - about a 15 percent rate after deductions. In 2006, the records show, the Palins earned $127,869 as adjusted gross income, with taxes paid listed at $11,944 - less than a 10 percent rate.

On federal financial disclosure forms, also released Friday, Palin and her husband listed assets worth from $960,000 to $2.3 million. Because the values of assets are reported in broad ranges, it's not possible to calculate an exact value for their holdings.

Like many Americans, their most valuable asset is their home. Theirs, in Wasilla, is valued at $500,000 to $1 million*. According to the Matanuska-Susitna Borough, the land and structure are appraised at $552,100.

*that's like 2 to 5 times the value of my house (or the house I'm living in, whatevs)

Their next most valuable asset is a fishing leasehold, worth $100,000 to $250,000*. Todd Palin's fishing business was valued at $50,000 to $100,000, and his snowmobile racing enterprise was put at $15,000 to $50,000.

*WAY more than I make in a year - that I support an entire family on. Middle class MY ASS, Miss Alaska.

Todd Palin also has a retirement account worth $50,000 to $100,000*, and he owns a variety of mutual funds in a 401(k) retirement plan through his employer, the oil company BP. Sara Palin also has retirement accounts from the state of Alaska and the city of Wasilla, where she was once mayor, valued at $115,000 to $250,000.

*Well, gawwww-lee! They sure am be some DOWN HOME HOMEY FOLKS, ah reckon!

The Palins also own shares of two land parcels worth a combined $51,000 to $115,000. "

I pretty much own SHIT. A 10 year old vehicle, a house I can't get the bank to farkin take (or not take, as the case may be), a hundred boxes of absolute JUNK, a set of nearly 10-year old Calphalon cookwear, some Henckels and Wursthoff knives....a bucket of really old shoes and shit that I can't quite bring myself to toss yet. And this BIATCH is trying to shove that whargarbl of BULLSHIT down my throat about how she's "oh golly gosharooney! I'm just super-dooper middle class, ayup!". She and her husband make and have this kind of cash in f*cking ALASKA -- you know what those dollars would tranlsate into in say, Boston or New York or LA? She'd be like any other douchey asshat, yakking incessantly on a cell phone, unable to use a blinker because her other hand is occupado with a 'latte', driving her precious snowflakes to ballet / soccer / karate (that is, if she weren't like, sorry kids, mommy has better things to do, good luck to yas, I reckon!!).

My Husband and I, whilst watching "I Am Legend"...

Hubster: "Mmmmm, zombie boobs....they undulate"

Me: "there's something wrong with you..."

Us: giggling our asses off at that whole exchange.


/life is good.

HOLY SHIT is this funny.

At least I think so, what with my penchant for spending the day target shooting with the air revolver thingy, mowing the lawn with my manual mower, sh0pping at the 'Mart* (cuz I'm broke like dat, and being broke trumps my ability to hack up some social ire, n shiat, sorry - that be the way itIzz), drinking wine, cooking and cleaning, trying to decrease my quotient of Suck where my kids are concerned, etc.,


I'm just gonna say one thing, then I'm posting that funny-assed blog I just read that made me start writing this in the first place: (i fucken forgot what I was gonna say, so here's the blog.....

*bought the sweet night scope with the friggin' infrared button for sweet night vision!! AWESOME! //hillbilly!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin!

Well there's a brand new political superstar on the scene and she's tough as nails and the media won't leave her alone and she's a rough-and-tumble Alaskan hockey mom and why are they asking all these questions and she is the pure reincarnation of the invincible Anglo-Saxon frontier earth mother and stop picking on her!

So maybe Sarah Palin doesn't have all that much "experience." Maybe she doesn't pay much attention to your fancy-pants "foreign policy" or "domestic policy" or "policy." Maybe she's "crazy" and "corrupt" and was picked by a "vetting process" that consisted of "tossing darts at a phone book in the middle of an all-night Ambien-and-Ketamine binge." But maybe that's just because Sarah Palin's just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their "qualifications" while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time - a realer time - a whiter

VALUES.
As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims. Sarah Palin understands that the key to America's success is personal responsibility, and the key to personal responsibility is getting lots of money from oil companies and the federal government while you enforce other people's personal responsibility! Oh, you wanted state funding to help with your out-of-wedlock Sin Child? Shoulda thoughta that before you decided to not be born to Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin will also ban abortion, 'cause in the hardscrabble up-by-the-bootstraps wilderness of the Alaskan suburbs, they don't have abortion. They also do not have adequate access to health care, birth control, or equal pay for equal work, as it turns out.

MAVERICKNESS.
As a moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose, Sarah Palin isn't some petty Washington bureaucrat. She's a petty Alaskan bureaucrat, and she's gonna shake things up in Washington! For her first reform she will pose for photographs with a gun and a stuffed moose head! For her second reform she will say something bold and brassy. For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room!

Now some of you are saying "oh Giblets these aren't actual reforms" because you are boring and stupid and I hate you. But if you think about it, Sarah Palin would be reforming Washington just by being elected and finally giving a voice to marginalized white Christian evangelicals everywhere. She will also re-ban abortion, in case abortion got away the first time.

ENVIRONMENTALNESS.
As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose for Jesus,gunning it down from her airplane. Sarah Palin understands that America is dangerously addicted to oil, and that the only cure is more oil. She also understands that nature is our natural enemy,also knows that we've got to leave this earth behind for our children, at least until we can find a way to drill for oil in our children. Sarah Palin is committed to exploring Baby Trig's vast and abundant petroleum reserves.

Sarah Palin may not know if global warming is man-made. She may not know if global warming is real. She may not know what global warming is. But if global warming is caused by abortions, Sarah Palin will fight it - by banning abortion, just in case the first couple times didn't take.

COMMANDERNESS.
As a hockey-playing moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who plays hockey, Sarah Palin lives in Alaska, which is just a couple thousand miles away from Russia and the Red Chinese, giving her valuable insight into their inscrutable foreign ways. Every day for forty-four years Sarah Palin has gotten up and thought to herself, "Hmmm, the weather is cold today - and I bet the weather is similarly cold in Russia at this latitude." Isn't it about time we had a vice-president who understands the climatological grievances of our most deadliest frenemies? Think about it! But not for very long!

Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She's sassy and white and ready to lead, people! And to ban abortion. Just look at that blastocyst! How can you say no! time - back when men were men and women were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery! And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again! Sarah Palin is kin to the wild outdoors and appreciates its bountiful splendor as she is created by a malevolent Satan to come between us and our God-given oil deposits with its hateful, clean water and its foul, pristine air. But Sarah Palin also

posted by Giblets at 12:59 PM

A little late for the whole "pulling out" thing, iddnit?

LOLZ!

"John McCain is pulling out of Michigan, according to two Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.McCain will go off TV in Michigan, stop dropping mail there and send most of his staff to more competitive states, including Wisconsin, Ohio and Florida. Wisconsin went for Kerry in 2004, Ohio and Florida for Bush.McCain's campaign didn't immediately respond to a request for comment.Republicans had been bullish on Michigan, hopeful that McCain's past success in the state in the 2000 primary combined with voter dissatisfaction with Democratic Gov. Jennifer Granholm and skepticism among blue-collar voters about Barack Obama could make it competitive.McCain and his running mate Sarah Palin spent the night after the GOP convention at a large rally in Macomb County, just outside Detroit. The two returned later last month for another sizable event in Grand Rapids.But recent polls there have shown Obama extending what had been a small lead, with the economic crisis damaging an already sagging GOP brand in a state whose economy is in tatters. A McCain event planned for next week in Plymouth, Michiigan, has been canceled."

Yeah, I know 3rd party source and all that, blah blah. Still made me chuckle though.

GOBAMA!

The Pink Girls ate my brain!!!!

Jesus christ. I've been up since friggin' 3am, gave up on going back to sleep, should have hauled ass out of here like 15 minutes ago, but I came across a ditty on ye olde pinklatex blog that sent me spiralling into an uncontrollable maelstrom of ADD, from which I could not escape until I had properly exorcised, from the dangerous and swamp-like morass of my brain, the hobgoblin unwittingly planted therein by the madcap ladies of Pink. It had started out innocently enough as just a comment. As it grew to Tolstoyesque proportions though, I knew then what I must do. And so, without further ado, here it is in all it's craptacular glory...

Aw yeah, biatches! RACE WALKING!!!! What. The. Fork, with that shizzle?


An Olympic even. Racewalking?!? Seriously, walking? Those cats are just...WALKING. FAST. Sure, really, really fast, but still just walking, nonetheless. Heel / toe / heel / toe / lather / rinse / repeat. That's it - WALKING. Something most folks do, cept those lucky fuckers with scooters, I suppose. In pondering this madness, it occurred to me that, "Shiat, I can haul ass with a big bag full of heavy crap, while smoking a butt and thingking furiously, from North Station to the office in like twelve minutes - and it's like a mile, my friends - if I have to. So EAT ME, "olympians". I dare you to try my kick-assed "racewalking" regimen - see how long your heart can take it before you stroke out, bitches! Any douche can walk reeeeeeally really really fast around a damn TRACK (a bouncy, space-aged polymer-constructed one to boot, versus the bombed-out, pothole-ridden obstacle course Boston's streets are - cobblestones??? Really??). Try that shiat from one end of the financial district to the other in Boston, or any wicked old, rickety urban area, during rush hour - now THAT is some Herculean shit right there.

Here's the master plan, chubbies! Get a pen. I'll wait...

1. Apply footwear (something rubbery; stilettos, not so much for this event, though platforms are a more stylish and reasonably lesser evil).

2. Power-enable muscial playback device with attached audiophonic interface capabilities. This step is optional, and actually, free-balling it and going without tunes adds that extra je ne sais quoi of utter suck inherent in being subjected to the random, idiotic bullshit ramblings of fuckheads on cellphones, mumbly-grumblies talking to their invisible friends, hecklers asking for money, etc. and further challenges you by diminishing your ability to maintain focus on the goal at hand while also simultaneously instilling in you an overwhelming urge to abruptly halt and strangle someone. Anyone.

3. Don't stretch or warm up or any of that phaggy shiat beforehand, by the way. That's just ghey. Jump right in and get your stride (distance between your feet at the longest point in your step or something like that) to it's MAXIMUM length - really feel the burn! - while dodging cars / assholes / tards / street lights / crackies and crazy people.

4. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Throw the butts in a damn trashcan, though, not on the street. Don't be a lazy, ignorant piece of shiat.

5. It will require great agility, mental acuity and most of all, a strong desire to start consuming alcohol at the earliest possible opportunity. That's the real prize here. Oh, and getting to your train on-time, I guess. Yeah, that too. But mostly the cocktails. Some preemptive triangulation of the timing of Walk / Don't Walk (and the seldom seen "RUN, BITCH!") signs is helpful, as is the ability to process the relentless assault of multiple objects (broads with baby strollers / speeding yellow-light running douches, etc.) traversing your path, the trajectories of which are of such ill-placed randomness, even Stephen Hawking would freak out. It's somewhat Fear Factor, if you think about it. Oh shit! A pile of vomit from one of last night's delightful sports enthusiasts!! Look over there! It's an asshole who can't read the "No Turn on Red" sign, and he's headed right for you! Look out or you may cause him to drop the cell phone that must have somehow spot-welded itself simultaeously to his hand AND head! Oh the poor dear! ["Would you drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?"]. Yes lady, it is always a damn fine idea to emerge from behind a parked car stroller-first in order to gauge the relative safety of crossing a busy city street at this particular moment....against the light. Them's some fine parenting skills there, Lou(ise)...

Arrive alive and you WIN! (wear those ugly assed, spandex Grandma panties and you FAIL, though. Always. At life. No gold medal for you - not yours!).

There's a workout for ya! There's more where that came from - hit me up for more great fitness tips, yo!

Wow. Just....WOW.

That's some SERIOUSLY farked up shiat, kids.


It's a GREAT MOTHER FARKIN' DAY to be poor!! YEAHH BABY!

/broke-assed mo-fos say "whuuuut" (whuuuut!) Can I get a "whut whuuuut"!

//silver lining etc.

p.s. Man, watching this thing tank into the 700s is just frickin creepy, man. Seriously - giving me the willies. Kind of. If I owned anything, man, I'd be freaking out. Since I've got nary a pot to whiz in, I'm just mildly uncomfortable, and trying not to think of the ramifications this is going to have. (Sadly, all of the sudden, those "Bu$h wants to be prezident fer LIFE" people aren't sounding quite as insane as they were, say, last Friday. Ulp....

Epiphany, and why I will vote Obama.

I used to vote democrat because I perhaps didn't know any better. I qualify that with the caveat that I didn't know shit as politics were concerned, other than by and large, republicans didn't seem as if they had done much for me nor those of my ilk and after say, 2003 or so, they were pretty much sending us to our collective deaths. So I guess there's that.

At some point though, eons ago, I too was a 20-something. And when I was? Like you, what the fuck did I know?? Oh sure - at the time, we're all genetically predisposed to hold the steadfast belief that we know Everything(tm), when in reality, we know absolutely Nothing(tm). Ah, the roaring twenties, when we're all up in arms and pissed off and concerned about everything, lousy with our friggin protests, tee shirts attesting to our great and unfathomable angst (hey man, you're like, so old and you sooooo just don't get it, man) and our bumperstickers and our Rocking of the Vote, and of course that goddamned Critical Mass crap...

Flash forward to me, 2008: Friends, Hippees, Slackers: in a few years, some of you will likely be fortunate enough to have families, jobs or even entire lives that amazingly will not revolve around whatever cause-du-jour [ne, cause celebre, truth be told] you're protesting, en masse, today... In fact, said cause probably won't mean SHIAT-all of ANYTHING to you by then, but hey, thanks for fucking up my commute today - it's like SOOOOOOOO totally rad and AWESOME getting home at 9pm, missing the opportunity to put my children to bed (i'm a useless evil breeder though, so what the fuck do I know anyway?), and eating a cold-assed dinner before passing out from exhaustion. I understand that you're so very, very concerned and all, and the only way you could express your concern is to stuff Storrow Drive (or Market Street, for you west-coasters - oh yeah, I'm totally and unabashedly bitching at you fuckers too!) with your dumb-assed signs / bikes, whatever. You know what? GET A F*CKING JOB you lazy pieces of shiat. Better yet?? GET YOUR LAZY ASS ON A BIKE ON ELECTION DAY AND FUCKING VOTE FOR ONCE. Your demographic does a hell of a lot of bitching and moaning, protesting and blogging (oohhh, I'm gonna blog about you, neener!!), but rumor has it you pretty much SUCK when it comes to actually showing up on voting day. Believe me, I don't like putting down the bong / staying sober enough to drive, having to reschedule the removal of ticks from my dog or whatever lame-assed excuse you go with for blowing off exercisig one of the last rights you have left as an American any more than you do, but you fuckin' DO IT. If you don't? God help you if you're out protesting / bitching about Nukes or Bush or anything remotely related. I will seriously mow your ass down with my 11 year old, piece of shit mini-van (bank took the Audi, go fark theyself, hater!) and throw that shiat in reverse to make sure I finished the job.

If you don't vote, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

My point? VOTE, bitches.

DON'T LET THE LAST EIGHT YEARS HAPPEN AGAIN.


EVER.

I'm a 30-something now. Almost beyond that benchmark too, truth be told. So, those of you younger than I am , go awn with your hatin' of "old people" and well, of fuckin' everything, as you are wont to do. That's your thing - I know, babydoll - I was there - and I was likely better at it then than you are now. So, suck it. (I'm angry, getting older will do that to you - it will also probably saddle you with shit like hemroids, receeding gums and cellulite...and you wonder why we're fucking bitter? HOWEVER, if you're LUCKY, getting older will prompt you to actively seek becoming *wiser*, in that, you don't just wait for wisdom and think you're somehow entitled to it simply because you've been around longer, but you realize that the path to it is to actually get off your ass and FIND it.

And so, I used to vote democrat because, for lack of a better synopsis, I didn't know any better. And now I do.


Now?


I VOTE DEMOCRAT BECAUSE:


1. I give a f*ck. McCain is just....AWFUL. And Palin? JESUS H. CHRIST ON A CRACKER. Are you F*CKING KIDDING ME? Please, please, please, I BEG OF YOU to visit an impartial source - whether it's on the internet or at da liberry - just research it for yourself. No Faux Newz, no CNN, no Olbermann, no Limbaugh (the foregoing combination of pundits and hacks is no reflection of my personal views on any of them, with the caveat that Fox News SUCKS BALLS and Limbaugh is a useless shitbag - yeah, I said it!). Divine from a bevvy of the most non-partisan sources you can find exactly what each candidate stands for. It's NOT that hard. I work a full time job, I commute 2 hours each way, five damn days a week and I have a family at home and somehow, even against all odds, even slogging through the ADD, I managed to gain enough of a semblance of what each of these men stands for to understand who is a total fucking fraud and who is not.



2. I understand the system far better than I ever did, because I took the time to look into it - I looked up the voting records, lives, educational backgrounds, etc. of both Obama and McCain. I'm going to have to side with the self-made MAN, the one with the CONSTITUTIONAL LAW background, the degree from Columbia, the tenure at the Harvard Law Review, the one whose record in the senate (if even just basing the conclusion on the bills sponsored or co-sponsored by said senator) ALONE demolishes the competition. (Read for yourself. Shit, THINK FOR YOURSELF. Start here. Or anywhere. Just START!)



3. I came to the realization, through researching the REALITY of politics in the 21st century (and before....and beyond?) that, not for nothing, peeps - OMG, I'm a f*cking conservative. NOT a Bushite "conservative" [when I tell you Bush and his crew are the sickening, nauseating ANTITHESIS of everthing conservative, I am grossly understating things - the Bush regime is the DIAMETRIC OPPOSITE of every single goddamned TENET of conservatism. And they make me want to projectile vomit for that very reason]. The Bush Regime has DESTROYED what it means to be conservative and has, through the endless bullshit shenanigans, fostered an environment in which a great majority of the population, upon hearing the word "conservative", display an involuntary, Pavlovian and utterly visceral reaction akin to a dry heave and really, can you blame them?? It makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit too - now that I understand what it actually means to be a conservative, and how there isn't one fucking IOTA of conservatism involved in even a nanosecond of the last 8 years. It's been a friggin' HORROR SHOW, quite frankly. But yay us! We elected the guy we thought we could "have a beer with" [despite the fact that I'm pretty sure W wouldn't be caught DEAD with 99.99999% of the folks who voted for him, even if they happened to be carrying a pound of coke, two mexican hookers and an F-150 full of uranium. Still ain't gawna habben. Nah gawn do it.



I'm a conservative. I'm DISGUSTED with the old guard. The ONLY option for me in 2008?

BARACK OBAMA

Republicans who voted for Bush not once, but TWICE!??!?!!? You can seriously EABOD and DIAF for what that miserable band of piratical*, hypocritical, usurious bastards has done to this country - both here and abroad. DAMN YOU for your spin, your lies, your distortions of truth. What you and your greedy, soulless ilk have done to this country is nothing short of TREASON. I watched you heartlessly eviscerate the middle class, while pretending to champion them (unless they were actually middle class, had some education and an IQ about 70 - then you maligned them as elitist pieces of shit, because after all, an educated populous is one you can't as easily control, right Karl?) Some of you laugh at this - you've heard it before. And you laugh and you point fingers and call names - names like "commie" and "lib-rul, hurr hurr!!" and "turr-ist" because you're too goddamned stupid....ne, WILLFULLY IGNORANT to acknowledge the truth, the reality of what has happened to America in eight short years.


ARE you farkin kidding me with this shiat? I swear to Baby Cheebas, the next idiot Limbaugh-tard I hear "hurr hurr 'Fuck Yeah Amurrrikah'", I'm going to cawk-punch them like you f*cking READ ABOUT. You love this country so much, shiat-holes? GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND READ / LEARN / CARE / ACT then. Act for your country for once, NOT FOR YOUR OWN GREEDY, MYOPIC SELF-INTERESTS - e.g., elect someone who can actually BE THE PRESIDENT, not just some fucking CLOWN who tells you "Abortions for None, Small American Flag Pins for All, HURR HURRRRR!". Your ignorance, collectively, leaves me fucking SPEECHLESS.


Fuckin' Aye. I'm so very, very angy about this. Yes, ANGY. Ainnnn-Geeeeeeeeee. It's so sad that it makes me want to throw a damn temper tanrtum like a child - and lemme tell you, I have children and temper tantrums are like nails on the fuckin' chalk board. So I don't threaten to exact them on you lightly. But oh baby. I'm SO pissed.


Aren't you pissed? A little? Write me. Tell me. Tell me about your pissed-offedness. If you don't, I will think I'm alone and well, that's just fuckin' sad.


peace, bitches.



*Werd up, Biscuit! You're kind of my hero - and I co=opted piratical from you!

The financial "crisis"...

Ah yes - as predicted (by me, 8 years ago, natch!), we're on the brink of financial chaos. Taking only the mortgage situation into consideration, would it really be so difficult to triangulate a solution whereby, rather than just bailing out the effin-tards who caused this mess, by and large, the Gubmint mandates that mortgage companies re-write all of the loans currently in default? Seems pretty frackin' obvious that one great way to stem the tide of foreclosures might be to say, WORK WITH THE HOMEOWNERS, durrrrrrr! From personal experience, I can tell you that even when the cards are stacked utterly and completely against the lender (e.g., the property value has tanked, the market has tanked, the property has major challenges and the potential for huge liability on the lender's part, just to name a few), they simply aren't willing or aren't able to get beyond their ridiculously outmoded formulae for "working with the homeowner" and as such, are wholly unable to comprehend what "working what the homeowner" actually even means. It doesn't mean "you tell us how much you make, all of your debts, bills, how much you spend on tampons, how much beer you drink, give us a DNA sample, and we'll run it through the supercomputer, which will use complex trigonometric calculus to spit out a "workout plan" that you, dear homeowner will STILL have no shot in hell of being able to afford". It's assinine!!!

Were the collective of geniuses in Warshington to use just an iota of common sense for once in their Trail of Fail that the last 8 years have been, they would realize that all of these gigantic financial institutions might, just might, fare better were they, on every single loan that has gone bad, to get *some* money instead of *none*. How to accomplish such a colossal feat? Play some ball with the borrowers, dumbasses!!!

When faced with or given the option of either being strangled by a mortgage one has found onesself unable to afford (due to a rate reset, a job loss, etc.), if given no other option, unfortunately, people are going to walk away. Whether it is a heart-breaking absolute last resort, or a decision to cut one's losses or something in the middle of the continuum these two options span, it's going to happen. It has and continues to happen. And it's gutting this country in very tangible and quantifiable ways. Yep, people were tards, and weren't smart enough to read the fine print, do the research, etc. What else is new? Sure, it sucks and it's kind of hard to feel bad for the dumbest of the lot. But the reality is that a) not everyone sucked into this financial maelstrom is a tard and b) it is what it is, and it's f*cking SERIOUS as shiat at this point.

So lenders, throw out the old paradigms and get your heads out of your butts for five minutes. More specifically, you "investors" who back the mortgages serviced by lenders need to unclench your biscuits and loosen up the greedy stranglehold you have on servicers and give them the autonomy and flexibility they need to actually work with borrowers in order to both keep them in their homes and more importantly for you, investors, to keep those properties off your books and allow those assets to perform, instead of what you have now - a massive pile of non-performing shiat. Take a loss, take a hit, allow the homeowner to set terms they can live with - if even for a period of five years. It would be enough to allow that segment of the distressed borrowing population to make good on the deals they've worked out with you, and would serve two very important purposes. Take the short term hit for the greater long-term gain.

It just can't be this hard. I'm no economist, definitely not financially savvy, but JEEBUS!!!! If you owe me money and I have the choice between you paying me NOTHING and paying me something, I kind of feel like I'd be a gigantic TARD if I chose the option where I get NOTHING and have to break your knees, er, I mean take a loss.

God help us all.....