If I were Santa...

Ok, so friggin' ThanksfortheturkeynShiatGiving is OH VAH. If you're not already out at the Mawl / Mawl-Maht snaggin' up those "soon-to-be-marked-down-even-more, but-buy-that-shit-NOW-because-it's-allegedly -good-for-the-economy" pieces of crap you and your loved ones really don't need, if you think about it, then sit back (if you can still even follow this) and set your phasers on "relax" as I tell you a tale of what life would be like if I were Santa.

If I were Santa:
* you'd hate me, because I'd rape your ears with bullshit like "when I was a kid... / you're a greedy little asshole / those aren't your real parents";
* my jolly red suit would be smeared with snot, coal dust, cigar ashes, smell of despair and generally be cause for concern if you happen to find body lice troubling.
* I'd show up to the Mawl, plop myself in the throne and be drunk off my ass, because you feed your kids too much caffeine and chain smoked while you were pregnant,and well, they're kinda tarded.
* I'd probably also blaze a couple of fat, stinky joints prior to planting my dimpled, white, pickled lard ass on aforementioned throne in the center of the Fiesta Of Overpriced Garbage the Mawl represents. My eyes will be so red, you'll wonder if your kid stabbed me in both eyes with a pencil. And you know I'll milk that shit, you overpaid sack of crap corporate placeholder.
* On Christmas Eve, I'd roll my rusted out heap of shit, 10 miles to the gallon, muffler-less beater down your manicured cul-de-sace and I'd get my ass stuck in your cheap-assed, poorly constructed chimney. Then, when either my ass caught on fire or your chimney broke and caused me egregious bodily harm, I would sue the crap out of you! Better still, because it's Christmas and I'm dressed like Santa and stupid enough (drunk enough?) to attempt the shimmying down of your chimney, I would completely prevail in court (representing myself, I might add) and you wouldn't have the "that crackhead was trespassing / breaking and entering / sodomizing our heirloom baby Jeebus in the Manger" defense to win you the verdict. HA!!
* My red suit, including the "white" fur, would be all pilled - it would have those annoying balls of schmutz that form on poorly made, cheaply constructed man-made fabrics. The ones that scream: I fail at life and shiat!
* I would antagonize the men-folk by fondling their wives, and would then pretend like I didn't, and I would accuse you of being a soulless asshole because you sucker-punched Santa.
* I would hand out flyers to my gang of awesome transvestites, homosexuals, fetish-folks, meth-heads, anarchists, whores, gang-members and brown people (cuz I know you Christmas fucker fundies HATE the brown people - quit frontin'. It's insulting.) and I would have them all show up at like 8am on Saturday morning, on like the Saturday before Xmas, and they would pepper the line. Oh yeah. I'd have gay guys making out on my lap, and would delight in watching the stink-eyes being shot in my direction like 347 angry laser beams. Yeah, I would.
* I would listen to my iPod-like device - loudly - and would play oh, maybe some thrash metal, or some rap (OMG brown people!), or, more likely than not, some gay-assed 70s music that would cause me to wax horribly nostalgic for a simpler time, a time when my family members weren't all shattered, broken, plauged by dimentia or dead, and then I'd cry. Oh hell yeah, I'd sob like only an old, angry, drunken fuck can. Then I'd laugh. But I'd still be crying on the inside. Your child would be soggy and scarred after his 38 seconds on my lap. Sorry - I had a bad childhood.
* I'd have a tip jar. And if you didn't tip me, I'd swear at you - loudly - and then I'd blame it on Tourettes and make you look like an asshole for sucker punching Santa. Again.
* I'd wear a garter belt and stockings under my suit. Even Santa needs to feel sexy every now and then.
* I'd eat turkey before each and every shift. Nothing is quite as rank as turkey farts. Except gravy farts. Pass the gravy!
* I'd smell just a little teensy bit like urine and your parents would be left wondering if it were at all plausible that Santa went to the dive bar (the one that takes food stamps) last night, got shiatty off his month's worth of gubmint dole and passed out in an alley in a pool of his own sick. Always keep 'em guessing, that's what Santa says!!
* I'd wear roller skates while sitting on the throne, which would cause all kinds of logistical problems for you and your satan spawn demon-children.
* I'd take bathroom breaks every 15 mins or so, blame it on my "incontinence problem" (so, again, you'd be the asshat for bitching at Santa), and while I was in the can, I'd guzzle as much Wild Turkey as humanly possible from the Big Gulp of Shame I keep stashed under the 'Throne'. It's grain alcohol mixed with grape Fanta, so it's doubly-stacked with White Trashy goodness.
* I'd be dippin' the whole time. And you know your kid is going to be the one who kicks over my dip cup. And when he / she does? That kid's going to have an unfortunate accident, if you know what I mean, one that includes (but is not limited to) said child's clothing sopping up the better portion of the contents of said dip cup.

Yep, that'd be me. I must go now - I have to finish filling out the application to be a Santa at the local Mawl-Mart. Smellya!

Thanksgiving update...

Oh, i love them dearly. I do. Srsly.

But it's now 5:34. They've been here since like 1pm. (I'm a HUGE biatch, I know, save it - preaching to the choir and all that). And it would be OK, except that they keep managing to a) turn the fuckin' TV on and b) turn it up to like a FUCKING HUNNET and it is pissing me off on such an inordinately high level, I just feel like at any moment it's going to be like SLPATTAGE and I'm going to have an anneurism. The kids are all downstairs watching Shrek, and yet, the other folks insist on keeping it on UPSTAIRS (when I FINALLY got the upstairs free of children) and they of COURSE have to have the television on so goddamned loudly that there are astronauts in space going "jesus, that shit is LOUD, yo!".

I'm going out to have some "special" brownies. Sans brownies. Pinkie where am you! My intarnets dint work from yesterday afternoon til this morning and I'm a little jonesy! Surely you'll have similar tales of fambily mayhem for me?!?!?!?!


p.s. Folks, when you're at someone's house and you're fucking YAWNING and shit, it means it is MOTHERFARKING TIME TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't sit there for hours on end, into the night, stealing any chance your hosts may have of mellowing out, relaxing, etc. Oh no! Make sure you stay and stay and FARKING STAY wayyyyyyyyyyy too long, so you suck the latsw tender juices out of the entire affair, by staying TOO DAMN LONG and not leaving when it's utterly and completely appropriate to do so!!! YAYYY I FUKKIN LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.

oh god oh god oh god

Anyone know where I can pick up like 6 hearing aides REAL QUICK? My In-laws are over and like 6 of them are like upstairs watching some delightfully uber-Xtian (yay! FUN! /not >:( ) video and the volume is like on farkin'

ELEVENTY

...and I can't f*ckin' TAKE IT. I swear to Jeebuz, I want to poke my f*cking eardrums out with a pencil, like, 10 mins ago.

For now though, I will have to continue drinking wine and hope that eventually the pain is mitigated to the point where I no longer give a shiat.

Happy Turkey Day, biatches!

Get your WOOT on!

At the WOOT OFF!

OMG, I wicked HEART the WOOTOFF. For the REALZ. If you click on TEH WOOT and you don't see crazy flashing lights not unlike the Drudge RPt, then the WOOT OFF hath endeth. If, though, you see the lights (ah dun seen the light!), it's WOOOOO WOOOOTOFF time -watch and enjoy!

cutie patootey!

I feel a great disturbance in the force. Do You?

I have a general sense of ... something. Malaise? Unrest? Discord? Reverberation of some bizarro world angst?

Send me some good vibes or share your tale of "wtf?"

Shiny Metal Box: The Chronic (11-17edition)

It's one of those friggin' days where everything is agg-avatin'the SHIAT out of me. I am, of course, sitting on the rolling shiat mobile I somewhat lovingly call home for 3 hrs a day, marvelling over how f*ckin NOT on-time this damn train is, consistently, and just generally being surly. Even the scotch doesn't taste that good tonight. Must be PMS. Or maybe just the ass-grind that this all is. Still, though, I'm thankful to have a job, at this point. Found out that a firm I used to work at had layoffs last week - Jesus H. Chriskringlestein, that blows.

Ahhhh, I like my electronic chronic. OK, it's not chronic at all, but i does deliver the nicotine and for that I'm grateful. Had a nice, cold, semi-palatable turkey sangwich, and am now working on scotch #2 an suffering from the hurty knees, the scratchy throat and the general ennui that colors my life. Ah, what to do? I suppose I should be very, VERY thankful that I do not live in SoCal -- what, wth all the shiat burning the fark down and all. YIKERS!

Oh and now the free wifi is shiatting the bed-- you get what you pay for, I guess. Is that why my f*ckin monthly pass is going up by 10% -- which is about the on-time rate for this bucket of bolts? Oh, irony. Or something.

Welcome to Tardtown. Population: You!

Whiskey Tango Fuckin' FOXTROT?

Please, comment and tell me what's wrong with this picture. Get drunk first. Think of it as an adult "Where's Dildo" or something, mkay?

I heart you SO MUCH, Gore Vidal.

It isn't even always about the substance off what he's said. At times, it's the way he says it.

Gore Vidal, you are my hero, my Planet Earth Idol. Your life, your words, your existence have had a profound effect on me, and for that, good sir, I humbly thank you.

Read Gore here. J'adore!

Ho. Lee. Sheeyat. Olbermann's special comment.

[Update: I have a link, I have a transcript, and if you have a pulse / fingers / eyes / ears, you simply MUST You Tewb or Google or whatever tonight's "Special Comment" from Keith Olbermann.

Sweet Jesus on the Cross. It was passionate. Moving. Heartfelt. Quite f*cking AMAZING, truly.

Find it. Watch it. Read it. Share it.

http://thenewshole.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/11/10/1667759.aspx

Mmmm, smokey!

So, I got this thing, finally! Have to say I wicked dig it!!!

If you smoke and you don't wanna, or you don't wanna so much, you should scrape up the $80 bucks or so for this kit.

It doesn' t particular taste like much, but it definitely curbs / satisfies the nicotine craving and absolute BEST of all, it totally doesn't make your lungs feel like shit. It'll prolly take a while to get past the whole jones for putting a lit fag in your mouth, and you'll miss the burn-y, ash-tray tastic taste of a real cig, but I kinda think this is something I could get used to. One might even say, addicted to!! heh heh.

Quick shipping, good product, wicked easy to use, NO smell, nothing burns, no tar, ashes, stank, etc. You can literally use this anywhere - shit, I sat at my desk in my veal-fattening pen at work and toked on it and no one said shiat about it. How can they? It's akin to a super cool asthma inhaler! Wheeeee! SUCK IT, non-smokers! I can keep my nicotine addiction (which is OOHHHHH so fuckin fun, let me tell you! Kids, hurry up and start smoking - it's a LIFETIME of pleasure!! hack hack, wheeze, brown teeth, wrinkles, coughing up shit - OMG it's SO HAWT!).

Love it. Buy it. You should. Because I said so!

Mmmm, delish!

Ah, P. J. O'Rourke!

Let us bend over and kiss our ass goodbye. Our 28-year conservative opportunity to fix the moral and practical boundaries of government is gone--gone with the bear market and the Bear Stearns and the bear that's headed off to do you-know-what in the woods on our philosophy.

An entire generation has been born, grown up, and had families of its own since Ronald Reagan was elected. And where is the world we promised these children of the Conservative Age? Where is this land of freedom and responsibility, knowledge, opportunity, accomplishment, honor, truth, trust, and one boring hour each week spent in itchy clothes at church, synagogue, or mosque? It lies in ruins at our feet, as well it might, since we ourselves kicked the shining city upon a hill into dust and rubble. The progeny of the Reagan Revolution will live instead in the universe that revolves around Hyde Park.

RIP, GOP as you have come to be.

So I was reading through the comments on this "Rebuild the Party" website, as I'm genuinely curious and perhaps a bit hopeful that something new, strong and most importantly admirable (by MANY, not just the ReFUNDIEcans....) will rise from the ashes of the last eight years, in terms of a political party that embraced the actual tenets of CONSERVATISM and perhaps throttled down some on the Goddy-God-Jesusifying Light Brigade, Rah, Rah, USA! USA! stuff.

Some of the comments on the site form the evidentiary basis for a stark lesson on how to completely a) lose an election (bigtime) and b) destroy a political party.

1. Keep flinging around "librul!!!!" in a pejorative manner! Insulting a huge cross-section of the population, while also employing #2, is a vortex of suck the size of Greenland. That's a continent for you die-hard "mavericks". Instead, call them "Commies"!

2. Adhere to an unyielding sentiment of anti-intellectualism. Because yessiree, being a TARD is just sooooo awesome! It's a truly bankable plan! I suppose it does have it's merits though, you know, for those times when you just don't feel like explaining anything to the dimwits, but you do totally want to pump them full of catchy, empty, virtually meaningless slogans and tell them they're dirty heathen liberal commies if they don't vote for you. Yay dumb!

3. Completely and totally obfuscate the line between church and state, and remember, if someone doesn't love Your Own Personal Brand of Jesus, they must be satan-worshipping, abortion-mandating, baby-eating demons from the pits of hell, right? You betcha! (This one works best in tandem with #4).

4. Low on toilet-paper? Fear not, the Constitution of the United States is here to save you! That's right, get in there real good with that boring old piece of parchment paper. Those Goddamned Libruls encourage everyone to run around naked, on drugs, having wanton sexual escapades with donkeys and multiple partners, while eating birth control pills that they got for free at the local MSNBMedical Clinic!! Take away as many of these utterly blasphemous rights as you can! People are stupid and shouldn't be allowed to do anything. At all! Ever!!

5. Absolutely NEVER stray from your time-tested methods!! Adhere strictly to the old-line tenets (brought to you by those nice churchy folks who hate you, because Jesus told them to - quite a fan of the hate, that wacky Jesus was! Right?) and just work harder at it!! Just try harder using the old and busted selection of tools and tactics - and just pray really, really, really hard that all those pinko sluts will soon be smote for their wicked ways (and also, too, all the ways they differ from you! And from Jesus!). To recap, brown people, heathens, homos, crackies, muslims, jooz, et al. are to remain ostracized from our cabal by our exclusionary, dogmatic, ignorant platform! Only the holiest, most pious, Jesus Loving!! people should be viewed as actual people. Viewing the aforementioned list of undesirables as people (shudder!) is sick and wrong and makes baby Jesus cry.

I'm famous! Again!

So, once again, I've made the paper for my long-standing indenture to the DownEaster train! yay!

Glad they didn't put a horrible pic of me in there, and glad they *did* use my patented (tm) line "it's like a bar, if jails had bars" line!

Read all about it here!

oh, and p.s. "Larry" (who said " Sounds great except for the fact it is LOSING MONEY!"), darlin, Amtrak NEVER turns a profit. That's why regular shmoes like me / we can still afford to ride it. (eyeroll)

religuiolous!

You Scored as Confucianism

You are a follower of the teachings of Confucius, one of the greatest teachers the world has ever seen. It is one of the three Oriental religions in this quiz, and like the other two, has few followers beyond the Orient.

Confucianism

72%

Atheist/Agnostic

67%

Taoism

61%

Wicca

50%

Hinduism

50%

Buddhism

50%

Islam

39%

Judaism

28%

Christianity

17%

p.s. and philosophically?

Existentialism

75%

Kantianism

65%

YAY! (these are all at Quizfarm)

Shiny Metal Box: The Chronic

Hi outlandischers! Here I am, reporting from (where else?) the shiny metal box I spend 3 hours a day in. Oh, it's terribly fun! It's Friday night - and you know what that means! Yep! We, the passriders, are herded like cattle into one car (surprisingly, not the baggage car - though you never know), where we are subject to the slings and arrows of both newbie pass riders and interlopers (as I call them) as they try in vain to argue their lame-assed premises - loudly, rudely, angrily - in the conductor's face. Honestly, how much friggin' common sense does it take to fathom that if you see the same people every stinking day, you would be well advised to try t0 dial down your Dewsh quotient. Durrrrrr. And yet, week in and week out, some harpie biatch takes it upon herself to get all shrieky on the regular friday night guy (who takes no shit) thinking it's going to get her somewhere other than stuffed in a f*kckin' luggage rack or worse, locked in the stank-assed pee-soaked latrine. Don't I wish.

Anyway, it's almost 6pm and we're almost in Haverhell, so I'm gonna go get a beeyah or some other form of libation and hit you biatches up lata on, perhaps.

This is great country!

At last, our long national nightmare is over!

The Big Show!

God, this is unreal. Greatest. Show. EVAR!


GOBAMA!


YAY VOTERS!!!!


NEWSFLASH: 538.com calling it for Obama

PensylFucky.

FIRST!

MCFail takes PencilFucky? it's going to be a long fuckin' night.

more as it develops...

LOLZ! Indiana - too close to call. I heart that so much. And Georgia. TCTC - again, hearting that. and VA! LOL. I should stop. Drink more, think less. Be back later...


(LOLZ - WTF? "it's 7:01pm, and all these states are too close to call!!!!111!!ELEVENTY!" - of COURSE it's too fuckin' close to call, DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - it's SEVEN PEE EM!!!!!)

Schadenfreud.....

It's FINGER LICKING GOOD.

"

tony said...

I've waited nearly thirty years for this.

A message for Kristol, Cheney, Perle, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Libby, and the other PNAC wackos who hi-jacked the Republican party:

It's over. Your plans for hegemony and full spectrum dominance, far from strengthening America, have almost destroyed her as an international force for good.

Likewise Rove:

The game's up. You can't fool all the people all the time with the politics of fear and smear, and the ruthless waging of culture wars.

Idem Milton Friedman (deceased) and the Chicago boys:

Your snake oil economic theories have been exposed for what they are: as a toxic mix of ideology and false accounting that benefits only the ultra rich.

Let us fervently hope that this massive defeat will consign you all to the dustbin of history.

To the American electorate:

Good job, and a great day for Uncle Sam's fair land.

wv: weerro how Neo-cons will be feeling tomorrow"

Oh yeah, and

OBAMANAMI!!!!!
BIATCHES!

God I love the taste of fail in the morning!

I can't farkin WAIT for the results to start coming in OMG. MAN-DATE! Ass kicking! Blowout. Landslide.

Please oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeeeeeze baby jeebus!!?!?!?!?

Brilliantly executed campaign.

And for the GOP (RIP):