Greatest Racket EVAR.

I have the bestest racket going - EVER.

When our first Fruit of the Poon was born (aisle seat, please - I'll have the platter of poo with the glass shards in it, kthxpls), we agreed we weren't going to sugar her up, and we stayed true to that. You'd be amazed how much shit we take from people 'what's the problem? let her have more candy!' and the barely hidden sidelong, knowing glances in our general direction. They're shiatty parents! Oh they're so meeeean that they won't give that poor child more shoooogarrrrrrr!

You can take a number and bite my hairy ass, because I am filled with WIN (and candy, more on that in a jiff!) and:

1) my kids aren't always up my ass for sugar / soda / lard, etc., because I never gave them the chance to develop (or ruin) the palate for that crap and OMG, their sugar addictions? Not so much. Do they get spastic sometimes? Sure - they all do. It's called "Baby Crazy Hour" and it's a seldom-discussed phenomenon whereby children lose their shiat at like 5pm-ish, give or take an hour in either direction. But do they Lose They Damn Minds(tm)???? Heylllll NooooO! And why, you ask? Because I knew right out of the gate that I wasn't going to have the patience for THAT shiat. OMG no. Nothing prompts me to freak out like psychotic children all hopped up on drugs that should have been meant ONLY for adults - specifically, for PARENTS. Caffeine, sugar, uppers, poppers, wellbutrin, Maalox, Prep-H....should NEVER be given to children! (it gives them an unfair advantage, and well, I'm old and that sucks!!)

2) (this is the better of the two, thanks for stickin with me here) I GOTS ME A PHATACULAR, EMBIGGENED, MARSUPIALESQUE SAAAACK of candy. And it's MINE all MINE! (And Mr. Absurd's too, but he's gotta sleep some time, right?


Moooo haw haw haw haw!! I gave the trick or treaters gift bags with coupons for All Bran cereal, soy milk, organic Brussel sprouts and TurtleWax. Am I going to hell?

Flash forward, Gordon.

Flash forward to Stardate 2012...

Wait, I want a 2nd term for President Obama, so let's flash forward to 2016.

Those bitches better amend that constitution by then to read "alright, if you're a citizen, you can run for President. And in 2016? MAYBE the GOP will have risen from the ashes (gonna take at least 8 years - you guys REALLY farked things up in COLOSSAL ways. You raised (lowered?) the bar for ABJECT FAILURE, and wow - that's gonna take a while to wear off. Like a cawk-punch. Really hurts, down deep in the junk, to be SCREWED in the ways that your cabal has utterly screwed us...BY YOUR GOVERNMENT! Yargh. That's not, 'you suck, you left your socks on the floor / table / toilet'; that isn't 'damnit, if you attempt to compact the trash in that dollar-store trash bag to any greater of a degree, you're going to end up with COAL, already - JUST TAKE THE TRASH OUT!'. Nope, it's like 'omg, you just stuffed your clenched fist up my biscuits, and not just unannounced, but without lube, damn you!'.

Jeezeohman, i kinda spun out there, eh? Um, to re-rail (versus derail) the proverbial train here, the GOP should make good use of the extended vacation they'd damn well better be embarking on in a matter of days. Take some time to review some of the game films, eh? Maybe throw a cursory glance in the direction of the last eight years and see if any of the fail catches your eye. Use your sabbatical wisely and figure out a way to glom on to The Governator (Ahnold!) before he finally breaks down and takes his massive Austrian finery over to (gasp!!) The Dark Side (duh duh duhhhhhhh - mooooo haw haw haw!!!!). America LURVES Ahnold. I have seen the future and it is

TEH GOVERNATOR
2016

Because I just like this....

...and it's friday. And soon Grammy will come retrieve the children, until later tomorrow. OMG, I CAN NOT WAIT. (I love you, children, more than anything, but OMG does mommy miss being an autonomous being now and then!).

Here's a cartoon!


9pm tonight! this shizzle is FUNNY! If you're a Masshole, share the love! Tune in to the Pinklatex show on BlogTalkRadio. You'll thank me. Or, you'll be like, "biatch, you are FARKED UP, yo!" (ORLY? ya think??)

Hollah!

(I'm taking a wicked awesome break from politics, work, stress, sobriety, etc., and bah da dah dat dahhhh, I'm lovin' it!)

While I'm at it, here's a cool pic from er, a few years ago. Me likey.

watching teevee, with G&T and my Friday Night!

- Got interviewed by a prominent newspaper today. (cough-the commie one, yay!-cough).

- I bet polar bears taste AWESOME.

- I'm glad the commie liberal pinkos are going to be in power again. Seriously, without vitriol, I have to tell you, Bush & Co., you really didn't do a good job. You kind of srewed us. If I hadn't just downed a pail of gin & tonics, I'd be wicked, wicked ANGRY. Thank you, Tangueryayeyyippee!

-WHAT THE F*CK with adding MELAMINE to ANIMAL FEED!??!??! SEriouly, China - I LOVE yas. I do. I rock the mad Ants on the Hill, the sticky rice, I shop at the market, I adore daikon radish! Ig'nant I aint! But I must ask you, WHY ARE YOU POISONING PEOPLE? (maybe they are the wicked smart folks from another planet....as a former Persona Grata used to tell me...).

Rambling. Whateversols!

I wish...

...that Sarah Palin would just


SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

/seriously

Maddow! Tomorrow Night! 9PM!

That's SO friggin filled with WIN. Obama on Maddow. Tomorrow night. Only Single Malt will suffice for THIS!

OMG. Awesome.

For those of you that aren't real good at navigatin' the Innartewbs, Rachel Maddow is a RHODES SCHOLAR. Yeah, that's right. As in, Rhodes Scholar like these folks:

Dean Rusk, U.S. Secretary of State, 1961-1969
Paul J. Bohannan, American social anthropologist
Ronal Dworkin, American legal philosopher
and...
Kris Kristofferson. That guy that sang those songs.

SO did not know that.

Welp, more as it develops.

p.s. sorry about that - I reread this and realized I left out, ohhhh, most of the thought-finishers in my head that would have made this rambling make WAY more sense. Moo moo, my bad.

Home Stretch

You can call me a homo all you want, and in your tiny little mind (if you're using 'homo' because you don't like what I have to say, your mind is already discounted as bullshit, FYI) you can adhere to your convoluted premises that I'm a bleeding heart commie pinko piece of shit, but you know what?

I LOVE THAT MAN!

I loves me some President Obama. I'm absolutely STOKED. And if that makes me a big old homo in your eyes, or you see that as some kind of personal failing, or you assume that I'm simply garglins the cawk-flavored Kool-Aide, well, that's your thing and I'm sad and sorry for you, that your heart is so small and you are so old and your life so devoid of multidimensionality that you cannot see that FINALLY, after an 8 year drought, we have someone on the public stage who is eloquent, articulate, educated, well-versed, personable, INSPIRATIONAL, rational, RIGHT-headed (versus WRONG-headed). Not once. Not ONE time in the last 8 years has a president given me the chills. Not ONCE has a president of the United States of America, a once truly great, admirable (and CAN BE AGAIN!) leader given me the comfort, the reassurance, the same-ness that President Obama has. Go ahead - snark away. Call me names. Think, in your wee mind, that I'm a stupid, gargling, commie piece of crap. You think that, it's all good! Because a) I don't care and b) you're wrong. You're just flat out WRONG.

John McCain (it hurts not to type McFail, or McSame, or McWHATTHEFUCKAREYOUTHINKINGDUDE,SERIOUSLY!?!?!?) is NOT the man to lead this nation. I admire his service to this country (as fraught with he said / that other he said as it may be) and I um, whatever. His record speaks for itself. I wish we could ALL still have the same perspective on Senator McCain that we once had. I wish that we could have left it at "that sumbitch spent FIVE YEARS in a friggin Vietnam death camp and LIVED!" or "that guy served his country and he's admirable", but we can't. We've seen too much. We've heard too much. And the Palin pick?

ARE YOU GOSHDANGLY FUDGEWILIKIE KIDDING ME!?"!?!!??! SRSLY!?

At that very moment, esteemed Senator McCain, you lost the election. Had you have had the foresight to understand that, things might have been different for you. But alas, Dear Sir, you makes your choices and you live with them. I'm trulyh sad and sorry for you, Mr. McCain. You could have been a contender.

Esteemed Senator Obama, you have thrown down the gauntlet and you have set the bar astronomically high. As an American - a "middle class" (i think, for all I know, I might be a Hillbilly) working mother, supporting a family (well, two actually, those dang leeches!), perpetually seeking to further myself intellectually, professionally, dogmatically (ok, i made that last one up), *I* am your target market. And you've succeeded. As such, and in an effort to approach brevity, I must tell you, unequivocably:

DO NOT F*CK US, SIR.

I promise you this, good sir. If you have made all of these promises - not the specifics (oh, Diety Obama is going to cure my herps! He's going to take away my saddlebags and stretch marks! OMG!!11!) - and you do not at VERY least retain honesty, openness, and stay true to who you've told us you are, OH MY GOD will we, the people, be PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSED at you.

Please, President Obama. That's all we ask. Be a LEADER. Be an UPSTANDING human being. Do NOT fall prey to the bullshit of WAshington and DO NOT FORGET WHO PUT YOU IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

Love you, man. Please don't screw me. You have HUGE shoes to fill and we're all counting on you. Want to succeed at this? INNOVATE. Allow us to be heard. DO NOT treat us like we're millions of idiots. Bush did that and so, so, SOOO much more and well, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone when I say we kinda hate him for it and we also probably pity Bush himself, just a little, for being utterly whored out and used the way he's been for the last 8 years.

NO MORE PUPPET PRESIDENT!!!!

OBAMA-BIDEN
08

Mi Vida Loco...Motive

I live on a fucking train. Seriously. I spend THREE hours a day riding the rails. Please feel my pain. I go through life at the pace of a formula one race car, and Jesus H. Christ on Crutches sometimes I feel particularly burned out. Like now! I have been on a No Booze cruise lately, for the sole purpose of finding out if I could. And sure enough, I could. So now I'm on my second "glass" of wine. I use the (insert quotey finger air signs here) because I drink my wine out of a plastic cup. With a fucking straw. Because why? Because I live on a goddamned train.

Every day is a fun, new, exciting bevvy of trials and tribulations. Oh yes. Sometimes you kick, sometimes you get kicked.

LOLZ! I'm sitting here telling my adorable 22 year old friend about what it was like when I was a kid, and how his generation is fucked up because the parents of the members thereof neglected them in the bad ways, unlike the parents of my generation who neglected us only for things like listening to John Denver albums, drinking and smoking with their friends and toiling in the everpresent, Sisiphysian effort to tame the wild jungle that was the acre of scratch they had in Norwell, MA. I know, that was a total run-on thing, and I'm not making much sense. So, here's a picture of my life, 3 hours (or more a day).

On the money...

"Last week, Treasury's bailout czar, Neel Kashkari, and Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Chairman Sheila Bair both failed to answer direct questions from senators about the specific criteria they were going to use to pick winners and losers among banks..."


Business. As. Usual.

With kudos to Kaptur*:

“I have been asking myself if the Bush Administration is simply inept in dealing with this situation, as it was with Katrina. When a real national emergency required dispatch, it fouled. If it is not ineptitude, then what we are witnessing is a hostile takeover and plundering by Wall Street's most irresponsible institutions of our sound local and state banks, and with it, the acquired wealth of the American people, six weeks before elections and three months before a new administration is sworn in.

“It is time for the American people to demand the Bush Administration and their Wall Street compatriots give us back our local banks, our stability, and our futures by doing what any sensible administration would do: (1) engage FDIC's net worth certificate program NOW; (2) order SEC to mark real estate assets to true value, not an arbitrary index; (3) order mortgage workouts now through the FDIC, and divert the $350 billion remaining at Treasury to this purpose, rather than using our tax money to buy bad loans which is a bad idea by any measure. Treasury has NO experience in housing real estate anyway and their regrettable experience in handling our national debt should make us all shudder.”

* U.S. Representative Marcy Kaptur (OH-9), since you're too lazy to click the link and read the dang story!

Til death do us fart

God I love my hubster.

Me: yak yak, you should read my blog, cuz you'd hear it in my voice and you'd totally get my jones n shiat....

Hubster: wow, check out the rack on Campbell Brown!!

Me: eyeroll.....

Digital Detrius

On planet Absurdia:

~ People who murder / rape / victimize children will be put to death, by stoning, after a speedy but mishandled trial.

~ When something makes me want to stroke out, I take a deep breath and sing it out, bitch. True. For example, "Ohhhhh, I can't wait til I don't have to see [Sarah Palin]'s face no moooooore!".

~ Fools make we weep for their very existence. Oh wait. No, they don't. Actually, they NAUSEATE ME! Yargh. [Fools come in all shapes, sizes, colors, planetary affiliation. Bad drivers, ignoramuses, scalywags, miscreants, poachers, fundies, clowns, asshats, Whargarbls, dumbasses, dillwads, tools, dewshes, morons / morans, cawk-punches...you know what I'm sayin'. You smell what I'm cookin'?

~I wish there were more butterflies.

~ Getting the creepy-crawlies freaks me out. "I was told there would be crack!" /L. Biggums

~That was the funniest damn show in HISTORY. I miss you, Dave Chappelle.

~Bacon is good. But not as a main course. Every day.

~I hope someday I get to run an entire nation into the ground and then go, "oopsie, my bad!! hurr hurr". And still get paid. Bank.

~Anyone know how to keep lavendar plants alive indoors? They seem so anxious to hibernate, but I wish they wouldn't. Does beer work for that?

~Enjoy your twenties. Fully. In the blink of an eye, you'll be seeing that period of your life in your rear view mirror. And even if you go wicked, super fast, you won't be able to outrun the 20-something you. Then again, if you don't let that era fade gracefully and you death-grip it, it'll be like running a part of yourself over, backing up, running over yourself again, and then throwing that shiat into second gear and baking it up over yourself. Again.

/I chuckled.

Um, Syria?

WTF? (This should end well....)


From http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7692153.stm

US helicopter-borne troops have carried out a raid inside Syria along the Iraqi border, killing eight people including four children, Syrian officials say.

The official Syrian news agency Sana said the raid took place in the Abu Kamal border area, in eastern Syria.

It said that American soldiers on four helicopters had stormed a building under construction on Sunday night.

The US says it is investigating. It has previously accused Syria of allowing foreign militants into Iraq.

Syria has summoned the US and Iraqi envoys in Damascus to protest at the raid.

"Syria condemns this aggressive act and holds American forces responsible for this aggression and all of its repercussions," a government official said.

If confirmed, the raid would be the first known attack by US forces inside Syrian territory, says BBC diplomatic correspondent Jonathan Marcus.

Its timing is curious, coming right at the end of the Bush administration's period of office and at a moment when many of America's European allies - like Britain and France - are trying to broaden their ties with Damascus, our correspondent adds.

Crossing point

"Four American helicopters violated Syrian airspace around 1645 local time [1345 GMT] on Sunday," Sana said.

"American soldiers" emerged from helicopters and "attacked a civilian building under construction and opened fire on workers inside - including the wife of the building guard - leading to [the deaths] of eight civilians", it added.

"The helicopters then left Syrian territory towards Iraqi territory," Sana said.

The dead include a man, his four children and a married couple, the Syrian report said, without giving details of the children's ages.

The village was named as Sukkiraya, 8km (5 miles) from the Iraqi border.

A US military spokesman was unable to confirm or deny the reports, saying it was a "developing situation".

But later the Associated Press news agency quoted an unnamed US military official in Washington as saying that American special forces had attacked foreign fighters linked to al-Qaeda.

"We are taking matters into our own hands," the official said.

The area is near the Iraqi border city of Qaim, a major crossing point for fighters, weapons and money travelling into Iraq to fuel the Sunni insurgency.

The Iraqi city's mayor, Farhan al-Mahalawi, told Reuters news agency that US helicopters had struck a village on the Syrian side of the border, after which Syrian troops surrounded the site.

Washington has in the past accused Damascus of turning a blind eye to the problem.

Oh, David Sedaris, How I Lorve Thee!!!!!

God, I love this dude.

"To put [the undecided voters] in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?'."

Farkin' GOLD, Jerry!!

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/10/27/081027sh_shouts_sedaris?currentPage=1

What did you just call me?

All of this “real American” shiat is starting to get on my nerves. I work, I have a family and I pay taxes – in what way, exactly, am I not a real American? I read, I follow politics, I’ve sought to educate myself in a myriad of ways, versus blindly accepting whatever I’m spoon fed by the talking heads. What part of that is un-American?

This, my friends, is the New McCarthyism. An individual or a small group of individuals decides to take out their ire, their hatred, and their misery on some segment of the population, for the sole purpose of perpetrating the most toxic, fallacious, utterly heinous acts on that segment. Truly disgusting.

I strive to judge people on the basis of who they are, not what they are. I strive to understand the viewpoints of people I would likely be inclined to disagree with, and I respect their right to hold views that differ from mine, without wishing harm on them (no matter how egregious an affront to my sensibilities their beliefs may be). And yet, according to Sarah Palin’s vitriolic, divisive thinly-veiled hate-speak, I’m apparently somehow not a ‘real’ enough American, when compared to the ‘hockey moms’ and ‘joe sixpacks’ in this country. Some of those ‘hockey moms’ and ‘joe sixpacks’ seem pretty darn un-American to me, truth be told. Calling for the assassination of a political candidate for his differing ideals? The employment of vicious, unfounded, racially-biased (and, in almost every instance, utterly without merit) attacks and tactics, attempts to form a sinister, boogey-manesque connection between Barack Obama and ‘terrorists’ crude and just plain wrong-headed rhetoric by a group of people so desperate to remain in power that they will stop at nothing to do so 0 these things, to me, are some of the most abhorrently un-American and Unpatriotic actions I’ve ever had the misfortune to witness in this country. Not since McCarthy has it been this ugly, this unfathomable, this quintessentially foul.

Blindly following your ‘leaders’ because of partisan loyalty, in the face of the state of this nation today is the absolute ANTITHESIS of the very principles the Framers fought and died for.

One last thought: it is NOT American to for any group to force their religious agendas upon the rest of the populous. It is a violation – in no uncertain terms – of everything American was and is, and further is destroying this nation. No religious group should ever have the ability to create or mandate, on a federal level, legislation that, while satisfying their version of a moral benchmark, takes away the freedoms of people who may not adhere to the same belief system. Hot-button issues should not be the concern of the federal government. Decisions on abortion, right-to-die, same-sex marriage and the like should rest solely with the states – and, by proxy, with the people, whose votes carry far more weight within the structure of state legislature, but end up terribly diluted in the maelstrom of the electoral college wing of the federal government.

Friggin' Fire Drills....

What in the sam hell, man? I'm sitting outside my office building, freezing my ASS off, in the midst of a totally retarded fire drill. WTF? I opted to forego the walking down 27 flights of stairs (in my spiky-heeled, suede Cole-Haans, thank you!) bullshiat in favor of a tea and wireless access at the joint across the way. Now, the drill part is over, but now comes the *real* fun -- trying to get the throngs of people back up to their offices with HALF the elevators we used to have. So, from 8 elevators, we're down to 4, and it sucks hardcore on any given *regular* day, but today it is SUCKTACULAR and I'm WICKED stinkin' cold. And growing short on patience. There are still a buttload of people milling around, trying to get back up to wherever they work. FARKKKK MEEEEE!!! I have shiat to do!!! Totally assinine!!!!

Yargh. Oh well, I suppose I won't be too surprised if I wake up with g-d pneumonia tomorrow morning. That'll be a treat. Lucky me! I'll get to stay home, sick, with the hell-beast children!!! Better living through chemistry, my salvation!

Heh heh, you knew Colin Powell would rise again!

Heh heh, sweeeeeet!!!!!!!!!!!!

/heh heh

Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAYYYY!!

Ah, the joys of parenthood...

I had started today's screed in a delightful frame of mind. I have chicken simmering on the stove, loaded up with Mexican spices, readying it to become an integral part of some seriously kick-ass quesadillas. As luck would have it however, the older child decided to lob something at the younger child, thereby necessitating Mrs. Ivan Drago ("I must break you") to exercise the promised punishment for pissing mommy off, which consists of a time out, on a stool, in the corner. (At this point - the older child having reached that tender age of like 5 1/2 and the sudden emergence of an independent will - the spanking thing (tap with a spoon on the bum, RELAX Nanny Staters.....) is no longer an effective deterrent to pissing mommy off).

At any rate, back to the chicken [as ignore the younger child - nearly 2 - as she plays with a coat hanger up on a chair - what, what you got to say about it??] and whatever else I was doing before this moment. So yeah - it's Sunday, and I managed to garner an hour or two of personal time today (which is just AWESOME) and went diggin' for crap. Yeah - turns out, I LOVE to dig for crap. (You're confused at this moment, as you're not sure if I mean poop, truffles, nuts or something you can't quite put your finger on. I love digging up people's crap. Found near old cellar holes, banks of rivers, and places like that. Pottery shards, random pieces of metal stuff, glass, glass and more glass. Opens a window to an era so very long ago, we hear and see nothing of it in this day and age, save what they occasionally slap up on the PBS or the Discovery channel, etc. There's something strangely comforting about it all - the 18th, 19th and early 20th centuries. The 30s! (Depressions are fun! And the state of things today seems to be an eerie echo of a time we never, ever thought we'd see again in this country, or in our lifetimes).

So anyway, now I have to attend to the sauce I'm reducing on the stove - and the defrosting of the "old steak" Mr. Absurd retrieved from the chest freezer a moment ago, so as to be able to stew it good and proper so it's nice n' tender.

More as it develops.

Transcript of 3rd Presidential Debate!! (breaking news!)

Here you go, lovlies!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH “MY FRIENDS”!~!!!

I’m STOKED for this debate. Part of me feels like it’s a foregone conclusion that FINALLY, the log jam of the last 8 years is going to be broken.

I’m going to try to do this without the cussin’, but I’m not sure if it will work or not. Bear with me. I will likely break into a barrage of F-bombs once McFail takes the stage.

I’m sorry McFail, you were probably once a really good dude (or not), but man, the resounding call I hear across the land is “I’d have voted for the 2000 McCain, but I have no idea who this guy is now, and I’m not feeling all that secure”.

Let me just preface this with the statement that the race-card crap just SOOOOOOOOOO needs to stop. It needs to stop NOW. It is ridiculous – white people who are bigots should just be exiled from the country. Send em OUTTA HERE. Honestly – the “I’m white and I don’t like black people” is SO utterly retarded, so unbelievably ignorant / disgusting / soooooo 50 years ago (or 20, or 15 or 5, depends who you are, I’d imagine). Similarly, people needing to lean on the crutch of all that needs to stop that stuff too. You’re better than that. WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Aren’t we? If we’re not, we are sorry, sad, ridiculous excuses for Americans. Get OVER it – when the country is in a state such as it is now, getting pressed over the ancillary stuff is a terrible waste of time and, more importantly, resources. People, if you waste your time on things that, at the end of the day (sorry – overused I know), reall8y don’t directly effect you (case in point is this whole pro-choice / pro-life thing.: does what I do with my vajayjay REALLY, truly, arguably have any DIRECT correlation on the quality of your life? SURE, me killing the unborn may made you sad. It may make you cry. You may worry to yourself, “what if she kills the baby Jesus with her heathen, abortive ways!!! Oh my Werrrrrd!!!”.

Let me assure you, I am NOT the vessel to house and deliver the next Jesus to you. First of all, it would seem that I’m unable to bear boy-children, as evidenced by my two glorious, insanely awesome dooters.

Second of all, we’ve already established that I’m a dirty flippin heathen. So, there’s that, too. And also, too…LOL at SP!

Anyway, that’s the poop with that. It’s dark outside, there are no coyotes to shoot, and it’s almost debate time, so I guess I’ll smell you in a fewsky.

AWESOME! Here’s the prediction (8:39PM):

McFail is going to possibly throw the Ayers thing at Obama and Obie’s going to smack him down.

OR – McFail will outsmart us all and NOT bring that up.

Then again, at every single opportunity since the Palin pick, McFail has, well, Failed. So I’m not banking on him pulling something spectactular out of his rectum and WOWing us all, let’s put it that way.

The pundits echo my sentiments. To the point, sometimes, where I secretly suspect that they are acting most piratically (yeah, Biscuit! Props!) and completely stealing my material. What else is new? (Adjust tin foil hat in 3…2…1).

You know what else? Not for nothing, I really like that Mrs. Obama. She’s *classy* and it is about damn time we had some class back in D.C. This is not to cast aspersions on Mrs. Bush (any of them), as they have been pretty classy throughout. But Michele Obama brings a newer, richer, more robust and (most importantly) RELATABLE class to the arena today. She’s classy. She’s not riddled with sketchy rumours. She’s down to earth. She’s genuine [and if she’s not genuine, I don’t care – she’s just fine in my eyes].

And Obama? Seriously, if you can’t find a way to at *very* least RESPECT the man, there is something wholly wrong / empty / missing from you, if I’m being honest. I make no assumptions for the future; I’m not that naïve. Every man has the potential for fallibility. But at every turn; given every opportunity, I have not seen Barack Obama fail. I have not (most importantly) ever had a moment of disgust with him. I have never had to wonder about his character. I’ve listened to the words spoken by him directly, versus listening to the idiocy of sound-bytes, third parties, newsflashes, etc. I didn’t have to listen to the pundits, did not have to be swayed or otherwise convinced by them on the subject of Barack Obama. (But holy SHIAT I wish that man would lay off the text messages already! Obama supports, can I get an “A-MEN!”. Yeah, you know what I’m sayin’….

(Drumroll) 9?02PM EST.

Let’s welcome Barack Obama and John McSame!

YEAH SHIeffer!

Let’s get it on!

Bad day on Wall Street [drink!]

MC: tax cuts cap gains / tax breaks seniors

OB: 60 mil tax breaks, middle low income / TVA / bridges

Why is your plan better?

M: thanks, thanks, thanks. OH GOD WITH THE NANCY REAGAN!!!!!!! Americans are hurting. Angry. Innocent victims. Wall Street! Washington, D.C. New direction. Proposal – he said it, I don’t need to repeat it. Long term fixes. Er, short term fixes. Catalyst was Fannie & Freddie. [OMG I’m GOING TO START SWEARING SOON] Hope / belief / homes / American Dream / 750 Billion – let’s use 300 Billion of that to buy shitty assets and bail out broke people!!!! What about the people that paid their mortgages? Well, you don’t want their ‘hoods turning into shanty towns, now, do ya?

Senator OB?

OB: Thanks, yeah yeah. Worst financial crisis [DRINK!]…I told you people – you didn’t want to listen. You know how much CEOs get for a bonus when they run a company into the ground?!?!?!

1-JOBS! End tax breaks for cos shipping out jobs / tax breaks for cos making jobs in America

2 – tax breaks for ppl making under 200K / access to IRAs without tax penalty (wait, what?)

3 – disagree w/McFail on how to help homeowners – we’re gonna pay FULL PRICE for shiat that’s already been marked down!??!?! Daaaayummmmmm!~

let’s fix the shiat that matters to people…..

McFail: ohio / plumber / wertzelberger? Wahh, he can’t buy the business, WAHHH because the scary black man is going to thwart him! (Wahhhhmbulance!!!!! Hep me!) Obie talks about the very rich / joe-six pack I’ll totally gargle your nutsack and make everything beautiful for you! I will increase your penis size by like 4 inches! I will give you a magical controller that has the ability to mute your wife! I will mow your plaw – PLEEEASE VOTE FOR ME (sob!) oh pleeeeeeeezee Joe!!!! (sniffle)

OB: (eyeroll) Srsly, dude? You suck. How much time do I have left, Moderator Shieffer? 2 minutes, 30 seconds? OK, I’m pretty much going to say “you suck” over and over for the next 2 minutes, kay?

BS: uh, sounds good!

McFail: Gack!

OB: just shittin’ ya. I talked to “joe” too, he says you’re full of shit, McFail

McFail: Don’t call me that!!!!

OB: (whispers) Mc Phaaaaaaaaaaaiiiilllllll (ch-ch-ch / huh-huh-huh).

McFail: He’s BROWN! And he will, in keeping with his brown-ness, STEAL YOUR MONEY!!!!!!

OB: Dude, Warren Buffett, mofo – do you speak it??? Because *I* do. My Warren Buffet trumps your cheesy Jeebus / gun rack / troglodytes. HA HA!

Oh snap – 9:12pm – mreoooow! Cat fight over taxes and McFail spewing lame, fallacious “facts” and figures and (of course) platitudes and incongruities.

Deficit: Sux to be you. Both of you. Whatcha gonna do about it? Some peeps analyzed it and you’re BOTH full of crap. What you got?

“Aren’t you both ignoring reality?” Give us specifics.

OB: let’s start with not wasting the 700 billion we’ve already butt-raped you for. So, yeah, some of the crap I’m promising you prolly ain’t gonna happen. Sorry. Sux to be you. (yack, yack, yackity, yack…diseases…medicare…energy…save money…china…invest…college…drive economy…ECONOMIC CRISIS [DRINK]

NICE! “PROFLIGATE!” sorry, dingbats who hate “book learnin’”. Sorry you will have to either look that word up, or writhe a little inside as a result of the cranky that happens when your soul realizes you’re a DUMMY.

McFail: energy independent! Millions of jobs! Spending freeze! OHHH HATCHET / SCALPEL (DRINK). “WE” have presided over the biggest yack yack….10 trillion debt…china….I know how to do it!! I do!!!

Uh, how?

Uhhh, STUFF! You know!! Ethanol! Um, er, ETHANOL!! Uhh, whatever – I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!!! I F*CKING KNOW HOW TO DO ITTTTTT!! VETO! VETO! PORK PORK PORK!!! PORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!! OVERHEAD PROJECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!! OMG I’m LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD (9:19PM).

Ok, I seriously think I just had a debate orgasm. OVERHEAD PROJECTOR!!! (Frig it, I’m going for two!!! I’m greedy like that!!!)

(god, I’m literally short of breath for that, and I think I need a smoke – whew that was good).

OB: [yack yack yack / trillion / deficit / McFAIL. Srsly. McFAIL.

A-ss-ho-le.

McFail: I’M NOT BUSH! HATCHET / SCALPEL!!!!! That one voted for yack yack, taxes on ….$42K income…yack, energy independence. Energy independence!!!! I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!

He seriously looks like he’s going to ASPLODE in like 14 seconds. God, I hope I’m still conscious, being that they’ve hit every major DRINK word in just the first 22 minutes of this thing.

(eyeroll). Now McFail has laid down the gauntlet – this is the big one, folks.

OB: charter schools / clean coal / - REACHING AROUND THE AISLE!!! [DRINK].

Ah, the great Washington REACH AROUND. OHHHH And a Fixed News dig!!! Nice.

“If I’ve mistaken Bush’s / Your policies, uh, sorry about that – but YOU ARE JUST LIKE HIM!!!!!” Yay you, being ,kind of against torture – that’s generous of you, considering.

McFail: Oh I’ve TOTALLY ….disgreed – LOOK AT THE SCARS!!! Earmarks!!! [DRINK!] (medic, bring the replacement liver, please, this one’s no good no mo’) I’m a FIGHTER!! Blink blink blinky blinkity blink!!

BS: say it to each other’s FACES, bitches!

McFail: it’s been hard! Really hard! (don’t forget Poland!) Town hall meetings, blah blah [“I just lost the election, bitches – 9:26pm].

Yeah, the tone of the campaign C OULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT, but I’m retarded and so is my ENTIRE campaign staff, my advisors, weep weep, and my VP pick is just titties and ass, titties and ass. REPUDIATE {drink, if you still can}.

Who the f*ck is John Lewis?

MS: Obie SPENDS MONEYYYY!!!!UT OH HHHHHH – public money thang! Ohhh, you broke your promise.

You know what, while I FIRMLY believe it’s too late for McFail, I have to at very least throw him a bone here – he doesn’t suck as much as he has the last few times and at this point it’s probably the best anyone can hope for.

Obie: dude, 100% of your ads are lies / negative / etc. HA HA ON YOU, OLD MAN! Healthcare / energy / tax policy…the notion that because we’re not doing town hall meetings, that somehow justifies the craptactular ads - that’s RETARRRRDED. Can we please get back to the issues instead of this inane bullshiat? Oh yeah, elitist haters? Inane means “really traded”. Better? (eyeroll)

McFail: WATCH MORE TEE VEE / SPORTS TEAMS, yeahy!!!! Boo hoooo, you TOTALLY attacked me and like, wicked lied and WAHHHHHHHHH! I love immigrants! Someone needs to mow my 14 lawns!!!! Obama spends WAYYY too much money!! WAHH!!! JOE THE PLUMBER (is just code for Joe Sixpack). What’s next, Joe Plumber’s Crack?

OB: oh, Congressman Lewis? He said you suck, McFail – all that “kill him / terrorist “ crap and your loser running mate said NOTHING!?!?!? Lewis TOTALLY defended me, bitach! BAM!

McFail: stutter / stutter / flail / but-but-but CLINTON! Stew / steam / fester…..

OB: TALK TO THE HAND / Shut your whore mouth when the MEN are talking!

McFail: b-b-b-but – sputter / well / wait! OFF my LAWN! Hurrr hurrrrrr

OB: PIMP HAND!

McFail: I love my hillbillies! American flags! Veterans!! WAR! Rah rah!!! Rah rah rallies! Screw that!! Too bad!! BLACKIE!!!!!!!! Re-PYEW-DEE-ATE mother forker!!!! I ain’t havin’ it.

OB: is this guy firkin serious with this shiat? No, really, Seriously? Is he kidding me with this? Holy crap, I think he’s lost it. Honestly. All campaign crap aside, I’m gonna back off a bit on this one, because homey’s going to crack and frankly, this is a thousand-dollar suit and I don’t want old man dura-matter shmutz on it. Yeck!

McFail: Who am I? Why am I here?? ACORN!!! Voter Fraud!! Fabric of Democracy.

OB: LOLZ!!!! Geezer. (thinking) you suck dude – give it up. Lamer.

OB: ahem. Ok, uh, really with Mr. Ayers? I mean, REALLY!?!?!? (Cue PIMP HAND). Ayers I a professor – I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I said that shiat sucked. WE WERE ON A CHARITY BOARD, RONALD REAGAN / Annenberg. An EDUCATIONAL thing – we weren’t out bombing, we don’t play golf, he isn’t getting a cabinet position. So here, rink this nice glass of STFU. As to ACORN, some of their lame assed, minimum wage LACKEYS made some shiat up – what, you never worked for a survey company in the mall, for which you’d make $5 per survey and you figured, “what the fark, I’ll just make a bunch of shiat up and get my money”. No, McFail OF COURSE you haven’t because you DUMPED YOUR DISFIGURED WIFE FOR A BEER HAIRESS BARBIE!!!!!! Respectfully, I must ask you to eat a bowl of dick van dykes, McFail.

McFail: DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!!

OB: you’re full of shiat and you know it.

McFail: Ohhh Ayers wanted to bomb MORE!!!

OB: you mean like, bomb – bomb-bomb, bomb bomb …pentagon?

BS: (eyeroll)_ yeah whatever. Sorry I saked. NEXT issue. The running mate thing.

HOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO {DEFINITELY DRINK HERE]

Why is Joe biden better than Sarah whats-her-tits?

OB: LOOLZ!!!! For reals!??!?!?!/ Ummmm, I’m gonna go with “opposable thumbs” on this one, Bob. Yep – that’s really as far as I need to go with that, honestly. Sarah Palin? A frankenstinian “journalism” degree (wasn’t it a minor in journalism?) from uh, what, I-da-hoe State Community Bed & Breakfast / ATM and Colledgje? LOLZ, dude. You’re cracking my shiat up. (If you assassinate my ass, JOE BIDEN is your president, so think about that before you reach for that gat, B).

McFail: Have you SEEN Palin’s titties? Biatch has popped like 5 kids out of that clown car and is STILL totally hittable. She’s a BREAST…er, BREATH of fresh air!!! Oh yeah! She understands those helmet wearing kids and the uh, otterism, and um, er…TITTIES. And uh, she’s wicked good with the ‘tards, dontcha know!

OB: Uhhhh, yeah…she’s a…uh….capable…uh…yeah, she’s excited the uh…, um, retards. Uh….AUTISM….um, crap, we have to pay for that shiat, right? Put your money where your mouth is, biatch. “Hatchet and scalpel, my ARSE”.

BSL Is joe Binden qualified?

McFAIL: NO, he votes AGAINST war – so he’s a tard!!! He wanted to divide Iraq into THREE countries, but now the Iraquis like, totally LOVE each other! Hurr hurr, what a dummy!! Obama wants to SPENNNNND MORRRRREEEEE!!! Ooogah boogah!! TAXES!!!! 860BILLION!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

(uh, how much is that Iraq war tab at this point?)

Here we go with the oil question.

McFail: we’re going to invade….(drumroll) VENEZUELA!!!!!

I can take a break here, because the oil thing is a SHAM / a game / a ruse, and you can take that shiat to the bank.

….aaaand we’re back!!

OB: car dealers are getting hammered!!

(yep, they too, like we, are playing the Debate ChugaLug World Series ’08)

OB: if we can fix energy, we can stop all the bullshiat….HEARTLAND! Wind! Solar! Clean energy! Driver of the Economy! Next Century (that McFail won’t be around to see)

mcFail: yargh! HE WANTS NO PRECONDITIONS! We’re going to invade VENEZUELA, Biatches! Didn’t you hear me like 10 minutes ago??? Screw Huga Chavez!!! HOOOO-VERRRRRR!! Deep recession into depression! Nawt gonna happen on MY WATCH!

HEALTHCARE:

OB: god this is boring. I’ve already said it a million times, so, in an effort to avoid redundancy, I’m just going to now sing the “you suck” chorus and direct my melodious tones in McFail’s general direction until my light goes on and I have to stop. Ready? Youuuu-oooo-ooo suuuck, suck suck suck, youuOooOooOo SOooooooOOOOOuuuper suck suck suck! (Like my staccato?) MMMM, drugs! Computers! We’re going to use COMPUTERS! Doesn’t that frighten you a teensy bit, mcFAIL?

McFail: Grrrrrrr!!!!! (clothing seams ripping ever so slightly / skin pallor taking on a verdant hue – visible only to the most discerning of bate-watchers!) We have to do lots of stuff! Let’s put your health care records On Line!! Fitness! Nutrition! OH god with the piece of shiat $5K healthcare tax credit and JOE THE PLUMBER!! Capital gains increase – OBAMA IS BROWN!! OOOGAH BOOGAH!!!!! Oh JOE PLUMBER, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! I will even RAKE YOUR LEAVES!!! You know how hard it is for me to rake?? I was a PEE OH DUBLEYEW! For FIVE YEARS!!!

OB: I’d love to talk to you too, “Joe” (if you even exist), because I’d tell you that YOU WON’T PAY SHIAT, ok? NADA. ZIP. ZILCH! Only the fat-cat rich biatches will pay. And THAT is some MAVERICKY SHIZZLE righ there. HAH! In your FACE, McFail!!!!

McFail: mumble muble, lawn, off it….ywhargarbl!

OB: Mmmm, yeah…..$5K tax credit? HAAAA LOLZ! Old people? Oh, you’re SCREWED. McFail will have been long since dead and frankly, quite dessicated and will leave you with NOTHING! And you *will* live in a cardboard box, under a bridge, just like you’ve always feared. McFail wants to FED UP the healthcare system, taking the power away from the states – which is our LAST defense against total and complete exposure to the League of Tards that ARE the Feds.

McFail: BIG GOVERNMENT! TAXES! Ooogah Booogahhhh – He’s BROWWWWWNNNNNN!!!! OOOOGAHHH!!! You’ll all get shiatty heal insurance, don’t worry!!! Not for you fancy people with your penicillin and your bandaids and your plastic surgery and your transplants!!!! BIG GOVERNMENT – did I mention that? Oh Joe, I will gently stroke that furry place between your shank and your pooper – doesn’ that sound nice!?!?!?!? VOTE FOR ME PLEEEZE!!!!

OB: wow – a $5K tax credit to replace a $12K health plan. That’s f*ckin BRILLIANT, dude. You really got me on that one.

And in this corner, ROE!!! And in this corner, WADE! DING DING DING! Let’s gitttit AWN!

McFail: litmus test / supreme court judges / democrats suck, hate conservatives! I voted for some libby leaning judges – VOTE FOR ME PLEEZE!!! ICAN HAS PRESIDENZY? Yackity, yack, babble…whargarbl. I’ll pick the BESTEST people EVAR!!! Legislating from the bench [DRINK]

(LOLZ for McFail trying to “out-consitution the CONSITUTIONAL LAW PROFESSOR” Sweet baby jeebus on the CROSS is that some hilarious crap right there).

OB: ONE of us will be president, (cough-NOT YOURS!-cough). Puhlease with this Roe v;. Wade stuff. Sure, abortion sucks. Guess what? If you feel that way too, YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE ONE. Know what else though? You forcing your religious convictions on other people is one of the most egregious acts of TERRORISM imaginable if held up against the standards set forth both in the constitution and in the tenets and intent of the founding fathers of this country. It’s an amendment. It PASSED. It hasn’t been overturned for a reason – because a majority of the populous believes it is WRONG to restrict other people’s LIBERTIES. And you should too, you colossal IDIOT!

McFail: just get married, you whores! Tough crap. The children! Won’t someone please think of the children!?!?!?!? (This guy has absolutely no idea what the word “nuance” means….Ugh.).

[Ice Cream Break]

McFail – “pro-abortion” movement? What kind of an out-of-touch TAMPON is this guy? Seriously??????

Schieffer: We FAIL at education. What the farsky with that?

OB: we’re FARKED if we don’t get the education thing on track. More money or reform? BOTH! Hello, KINDERGARTEN! DUH! Math & Science, biatches! God this shiat is SO BASIC, I can’t believe I have to actually explain it to you. Parents, time to step up and stop letting the tee vee babysit for you, eh?

[WIN!]

McFail: Damn. I’m tired. (yawn) uh, ghetto schools (he’s BROWN!!!! REMEMBER THAT!!! NEW ORLEANS!! HARLEM!). Rich people should get to send their kids to good schools! And by good schools, I mean VANILLA ones! They don’t need more MONEY, they need, uh, um…teacher rewards!! Military!

What the F*CK did I just hear him say?????: Military people can just BECOME teachers and shouldn’t hav eto take those stupid “tests” and have those ridiculous “qualifications”.

Ok, folks. I’m going outside the norm here and rather than freaking the f*ck out, I’m just going to close (before I stroke out) and remind you that you’re hearing it here first (or not, whatever) – McFAIL is IN THE TANK FOR OBAMA!!!!! McFail is totally throwing this election. What he just said is perhaps the MOST asinine, nonsensical thing I’ve ever heard from a candidate for president. And OH BABY is that saying a lot. Er, “a lot”. Also, too.

LOLZ!

p.s. if you haven't passed out yet, and are still somewhat coherent, WHAT THE FORK WITH THE ELMER FUDD STUTTERING, Nervous McShaky?

Knockout in round 3? You Betcha!

Ready for tonight's festivities?

Drink when McCain says "my friends" — it seems an obvious choice, but it's relatively recent habit of his; he used it only twice in the Sept. 26 debate, ratcheting it up to 20 times for the second debate. Before you drink, though, raise your glass and say "To all my friends!" (you know, like Mickey Rourke in "Barfly"? Anyway ...)

When either candidate prefaces a thought with an emphatic "Look ... " (Obama has been pegged in particular with this verbal tic, but a check of the transcripts shows that each used it 10 times in the two debates).

If Obama uses the word "pie." As reported by ABC News, he used it 13 times in 86 seconds while telling a story in a speech the other day, apparently about pie.

If a reference is made to the financial "crisis" (27 times in two debates) drink once; if a reference is made to the Great Depression (four times), drink twice; any mention of the word "recession" (zero times) drink three times.

Drink if McCain expresses contempt for astronomy (he twice criticized Obama's $3 million request for a Chicago Planetarium projector in the last debate).

Drink up if McCain says "maverick" — counterintuitively, he's only used it twice in the last two debates. Palin used it six times in her matchup with Biden (to make the case that her running mate is one), while Biden used it nine times (to make the case that he's not).

If McCain says "fight" — he hasn't used it much in the debates, but he uttered the word 19 times in a speech the other day.

"Go 'way! 'Bate'n!"

PRESIDENT PALIN! click that - it's funny as SHIAT!

The Librul Medeya! Durrrr!

Mr. Absurd RAWKS IT. For reals.

He just went on an awesome rant about how for the last 8 years, the "liberal media" has been lambasted for "not calling people on their shit" and now they *are*, and it's frankly BEAUTIFUL! The "oh, the liberal media is skewing shit / interpreting / spinning, etc." but the reality is that they're NOT, they're using actual words, actual video, etc. and letting the NeoCon assholes HANG THEMSELVES.

I won't vilify those of you that are true conservatives / true Republicans (if, and ONLY if you actually understand what that means - if you are a cawk-gargling, fraudulent, Fixed News -yeah I said it - I used an Olbermanism, so SUE ME- tard, then your opinion is wholly and completely irrelevant in this context), but I will certainly and continuously and everpresently vilify the wretched abomination that IS the neoconservative movement in this country...

Sorry - I spun out there. If you're a neocon piece of crap, I firstly hope you DIE IN A FIRE, as the kids say, becuase you have brought this country to the bring of UTTER desctruction. You have crapped and pissed over the ENTIRETY of the constitution and you have in no uncertain terms violated every tenet this country was founded on. I seriously hate you guys. I seriously, SERIOUSLY hate that you have created an environment where it's more acceptable for me to use the word FUCK in a missive versus using "conservative". You have destroyed everything even remotely related to the concepts of conservatism - you have HIJACKED all that conservatism is. And for that, YOU "my friends" are the REAL terrorists. You attacked this country, you undermined our basic concepts, you spewed your vitriol, your hatred, your divisiveness and let me just say, in no uncertain terms that you miserable, rotten WHORES deserve EVERYTHING YOU GET starting on November 5th, and long, long after that. Your brand of thuggery and those of your ilk will have died by your own hand. You have jumped on the sword, but in diametrical opposition to that which is honored in (for example) Japan. You are dirty, evil, underhanded miserable wretches and I am going to be filled with the explosive orgasms inherent in SCHADENFREUD when you lose! And you GET NOTHING! And I say GOOD DAY SIR!

I said GOOD DAY.

You, the neoconservatives - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - the Kristols, the Wolfowitzes, the Bush (the W, not sure if the dad bush is so horrible - I suspect he isn't....I digress), the f'n Fraudulent Clowns of Hannity / Limbaugh / and that utter DEWSH Frum. You, frankly, SUCK. I pray to baby Jesus that your day of reckoning has come.

What? I'm not allowed to pray to Jesus for the divine providence of watching your political demise? Oh, if I pray to Allah, will that somehow make it better for you? Then you can hate me, since I would then be considered a sub-human who prays to an evil, bad TURRIST?

To those of you who have driven this country into the pile of shit we're in now, I simply say [insert rapid fire stream of expletives here]. How you can sleep at night is utterly beyond my comprehension. The shame you should feel should wake you up in the middle of the night screaming / sweating / freaking out. The shame you should feel when you look in the mirror should make you VOMIT, as it does me, when I think of you and what you have done, and the miserable, fraudulent pieces of CRAP you truly are.

DIAF, you fake f*ckers. Good bye and GOOD RIDDANCE.


OBAMA 08, '12 and on and on and on. I hope you poseurs go to your final resting place gazing on the face of the scary, Arab, turrist, lefty, BLACK PRESIDENT

"Ye shall reap what ye sow".

REAP IT BITCHES!~