American Eye-Dolls...8 of ?

Would totally hit that, if only to utterly and completely sully it. Not fabulous, but man, that guy can operate a drilling rig and shiat AND can get this far on the AI? Yeah, would prolly hit that. Cept I have a SMOKING HAWT hubster, so, realistically, I wouldn't hit it. I reserve the right to use "I'd Hit That" to indicate an absence of nauseation inherent in many Tee Vee Foulks.

I think Paula JUST NEEDS TO STOP already. OMG you changed hands / microphone / Bo Bice / OMG OMG OMG>

ST FFFFFFFFFFFFFU! And Simon says? "you're only here cuz you're a broke assed hillbilly who happens to also be attractive". Yawn. whatevs. NICE! Props to Simon for backing the kinda sexy guy. "Sing pretty"???? "Here honey, take my balls, I don't need them any more".

Next?

OMFG. I'm nauseated already. What the FARK with these chicks thinking they can do ARETHA?!??!?!? Are you farkin kidding me??!?!? Someone please, hand me the cane - time to yank them off. (That's for all my old school / old time homeys - "get the cane / yank 'em off!! - GONG!!!"

I soooo dislike this chick. She's really quite horrible. Ohhh I can do runs!!! That am be making me a good singer!!!!

American Eye-Dolls...7 of ?

Cue Paula crying for the hottie hotness ("Casey CaRlson"). Yeah, it's hard to be Paula.

she's smokin' hot, that girl. That Idol - 07? Christ - she looks like Jackie O. And you know what, when you're a hawt piece of arse, you don't NEED to be overarchic...crap....abundantly talented. You just need to Classy-Beautiful. Please, don't bother to dispute. Kay, that chick has an AWESOME mom. Rawk AWN Hot Girl's mom. Nice legs! Sheweeeeeet.

Up next? Michael and Anne-Marie. Can't. HArdly. Wait.

Oh, Sol Kumin, what was the scoop? LOLZ.

American Eye-Dolls...6 of ?

OH. SNAP.

This girl is seriously beautiful. And what's better? She doesn't come off as a pole-dancing TARDBAG.

Let's see if she can sing.


Oh sweet lord. At least she's beautiful. OMFG. "For me, that was a little pitchy".


PITCHY

Oh holy shit on a stick. HOTTIE was HORRIBLE!

OMG.

American Eye-Dolls..5 of ?

AWESOME - The indian (dot) guy doing BOBBY BROWN, biatches~~ Shweet! Love this guy.

OH GOD. "Monica"? Who the fark is THAT?!?!?!? I'm shutting this shit off.

Here, feast on THIS.

American Eye-Dolls...4 of ?

unghhhh... i don't know this song, or this contestant. She SUXXXXXX tho.

Who is the next victim? (Who the fark cares?)

Hey AI contestants? LEAVE YOUR FARKIN PARENTS AT HOME. THEY ARE UNCOOL.
Love, Mom.

American Eye-Dolls...3.5 of ?

Rankey?

WTF - OOPSIE - lil glitchie. Brandon?

mmm he's CUTIE PATOOTEY. Sorry, Brent Keith. AWESOME works at teh Home Despot. SEXY AS HELL. Would Hit That.

dayum. He'd better not disappoint. OMG - he's married too. That's delish! You go, good hunny guy. Don't be cheatin' or the Ovarian Nation will STABBY on you.

WTF is he singing. Jesus H. Christ on a Cracker. Country? Mmmmkay, I think the pond just dried up, home slice.


Hot guy, ADORABLY mentions his wife and living paycheck to paycheck (like SOME of us do, Mr. Hastoomuchy, yeah, it's a reality, biatchy). But JHFC - the 'billy muzak? I like the musak as much as the next person. but SRLSY. (word to my FARK homeys).

The judges are TEH SUXXXXXXOR tonight. I hate this part of the "competition". They just lick everyone's biscuits, and no one sucks. Even if they suck. BLEH.

American Eye-Dolls...2 of whatevs....

Grace whatsherface: Aretha?!?!!?

Oh jesus, you suck already. That lipstick color is HORRIDIBLE. Oh white girl, you are NO ARETHA. Ungh. Wow, if you took Aretha and dunked her in a vat of Clorox, this might be what you ended up with.

Zzzzzz - BORRRRR INNNNNGGGGGGG. Bleh. Quick, someone fetch me some toast, soaked in milk. God. For reals?

Terrible. "omg, you like, sing SOOOOOOOO good!!! OMG OMG OMG!!". Whatever, white chick trying too hard / not hard enough....bleh. So fuckin' bland it's riduculous. And Randy - are you for real, bro? ORLY!?>!?!?!?

GROSS - these judges are fellating some serious teenage ARSE tonight. ADMIT IT. All these people have BLOWNETH thusfar. Bleh. Oh, "young tender age of 21". Are you farkin KIDDING ME?!?!?!??!

I need a Xanax at this point and Paula needs to come out and admit that she's a lesbian already, because really, hiding that shit, in this day and age, is FRAUDULENT.

OH jesus tapdancing christ, even Simon "likes" her. OMG they invoked Teh Kelley Clarkzson".

Ted Geezer danson!?!?!?!?!!?

more, after the jump.

American Eye-Dolls...1 of ?

So, Jackie Tohn - Idol-01: if you went to www.this-sucks.com, that's what you'd see. WTF with the pants? God, Grease called and Olivia Newton John is PIST that you stole her gig. Thank god for Simon - callin' em like he sees 'em. That girl BLEWWWWWWETH. Bleh. yucky. NICE! Simon din't like the "trousers" either. Shweet.

Yeah, couldn't be prouder. Not "more proud", but "prouder". God help us all. You know what, Mom? Be realistic. I have kids, I know. I want them to rawk the hizzle too...."bangin'????" Are you f*ckin KIDDING ME? Girl you are NOOOOOOO Jennifer Hudson. ughhhhhhh....

Next up? OH BOY RICKY! (you know if his name is "ricky", he's going to BA-LOWWWWWWW....)

more, after the jump.


O--M-F-GGGGG. Are you FARKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIAT?!?!?!? Jesus Tapdancing Christ, this guy is doing my FAVORITE fucking song in the UNIVERSE. Donny Hathaway, "A Song for You". I hate this guy already. This "Idol-02" guy. He's ass raping this song and I'm SOOOOOOO F*CKING VERY VERY VERY unhappy about this. Please, folks, do yourself a HYUGE favor and listen to the Donny Hathaway version BEFORE you listen to this complete TARD absolutely MASSACRE the song. God, I kinda wanna stab myself in the head with an ice-pick. OH F*CKIN RLY RANDY!?!?!?!? Dude - that was NOTTTTT a jump off, it was NOT "unbelievable", and he did NOT "kill that". God, these judges make me want to douse myself in gasoline and flick the lighter. Please, Simon - don't disappoint here - please call this tewl bag OUT...

"I'm not jumping out my chair as you three are...". Sweet. No star quality. I dunno about the great voice. UNGHHHHH. That song was SHIAT. UGH. Gross. If you've EVER heard Donny H. do that song, and then you hear this guy, you CAN'T be FARKIN' KIDDING ME with this. I must go vomit now...

Farkin' Seacrabs - "it is a complicated song". Yes. It is. If you haven't had the shit kicked out of you by life - I would imagine that at that juncture you would have little, if any ability to properly personify the pain (and alliteration! wheee) of that song.

GOD I HATE CHILDREN ACKIN' ALL 'SPERIENCED N SHIAT.


Ahhh...christ. Alexis Grace. What you got, beeeeyatch?

"Why, what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?"

just funny as SHIAT. If by some bizarre chance you're one of the 5 Americans who remember / loved this show when it was on, holla. We could form a gang of some sort. You know, the kind of gang that stays home and chats online about our collective of [insert obscure, random show here] bootlegs, quotes and such.

"My barely adequate psychic defences are crumbling !"



Today, I saw a dog,
Yes, a dog.
Talking to a pig,
Yes, a pig.
They were on the pavement,
Discussing Trotsky.
Not brotsky or crotsky or drotsky or frotsky.
But Trotsky.

Faux Newz Kinda Bloweth

OK, so I'm watching the Prezzie Chat tonight, and thought it might be interesting to flip back between Fox and MSNBC. Something is strange here, people. On Fox, the President is darker (more orange, actually), the audio is about a second and a half slower than other stations and the questions from the press actually seem to have been accelerated.

I dunno man. Check it out for yourself. If you're watching the Prez (and at this point, you f*cking SHOULD BE, damnit - doesn't matter who the friggin' Prez is, you should CARE right about now because we are in the SHIATTER. And if you're fortunate enough not to have felt the burn yet, rest assured, you (or someone close to you) probably will. Flip back and forth and holla if you, too, notice the difference.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not some stinky, left-leaning hippee tard. I'm not. I've said it before, I'll reiterate for you, new reader, that I love both Gore Vidal and Pat Buchanan. I like guns. I am all about smoting arseholes that fark with you. But I gotta tell you, dear people, it's becoming an increasingly different world and if you don't farkin PAY ATTENTION, GIVE A CRAP and GET OFF YOUR ARSE (to whatever degree), you will pretty much have not a leg to stand on later on when we're all stinkin' panhandling for potatoEs n shiat on the corner.

Yeah, I know, the shiat I write goes off course as if it had been sucked into the Bermuda Triangle. What can I tell you? The Adderall wears off around 4pm or so. Whatevs.

Rawk On, Bama. You're all we've got. And you seem to have quite a delicious command of the English language, which is a HUGELY SEXY / AWESOME / RAD / BAD-ASSED / STARK contrast to the ASS HATTERY of the previous douche-wads running the joint.

To my Repub friends, you know I loves ya. You KNOW I respect your thang. Crap, if we'd had a REAL repub in office, we definitely wouldn't be in this situation. The problem remains that those fools running the show for the last 8 years were everything BUT Conservatives. They were f*cking PIRATES. Plain and simple. Don't believe me? Check your 401K / bank account / stock portfolio. Let me know how that's working for ya. Mmmm yeah. Poverty is SO HAWT!

Now, get back to work, comrades! Your days of surfing donkey prOn and shopping the Amazon all day (in between iTunes forays) are OVAH. You know I'm right.

Best commercial of the StuporBowl....

DEFINITELY the Hulu one.

That shiat was FUNNAY. Well played, Sir Alec Baldwin, Earle of Dungheap!

awesome. I LOLed. A+. Would laff again.

Democrats, Republicans
Circle I Limbo

George Bush
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

daily douches
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Libertarians
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Uday Hussein, Qusay Hussein
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Greens, Militant Vegans
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

NAMBLA Members
Circle VII Burning Sands

General asshats, Scientologists
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

PETA Members
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Behold, the fierce WIN of DOUG STANHOPE!~

May 15th!
BOSTON!
Hard Rock.

Be there, tool bags!

http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=882434

Moment of Zen.

Mind the gap!

I totally heart the parking lawt at Exeter, DOOD!

I'm all aflutter when I see the ~SIX INCHES of solid ice sitting perched like an expansive yet proportionally wee glacier and completely obscuring the lonely, cold tarmac below.

Even more lovely are the swirls of deliciously salty, snow-cone-esque whateverthefarkyoucallit snowy shiat floating like unholy frosting (if hell had a bakery) upon the aforementioned wee glacial flow. If you squint, which you can't help but do lest your friggin' eyeballs freeze open, the butts and assorted detrius mixed into the snow-cone shiat kinda look like jimmies. Or "sprinkles" if you're not from around here. Learn to use "jimmies" so you don't get mocked incessantly.

Best of all?? The proverbial icing on the...uh...glacier? I am crazy-excited about the new hole in my hand that I scored, sort of like a bonus prize, from falling the f*@k DOWN on that (@#*&(@* wee glacier, atop which the mothertruckin' frostingy SHIAT sits.

DEAR EXETER: It's called SODIUM CHLORIDE (and sometimes Calcium Carbonate or something). TRY IT SOME TIME, DAMNIT!

Oh, pahkin' lawt in Eksettah - how I love dee, lemme count d'ways. It's not your fault you remain locked away from the world, almost completely sealed in solid ice for like 5 months of the year. I mean, you don't have hands. Or a brain. You're just a semi-solid petroleum by-product with which we pave our streets and other walky places with. I mean, you can't really be expected to shovel yourself, now, could you??? So perhaps there exists some other, secret, more sinister reason behind just why it is that you sport such an impressive mantle of nature's shiat-pops?

Perhaps a memo was circulated, and I had the misfortune to miss out? Maybe we were all admonished by the Guardian Traingels to wear shoes outfitted with cleats? Spikes? Chains? Advised to grow aberrantly long toenails to improve traction and/or odds? Surely, I must have missed out on critical information somewhere in all of this, because the last time I checked, nature did not properly equip me with the ability to run at full speed across a solid sheet of ice, while chasing a 3,000 hp diesel engine, carrying a sack of crap, drinking coffee and wearing office shoes.

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!!!!???


parking-space hogging snowbanks make baby jesus cry....

I believe that children are our future...

I love Mayor Menino!

Oh, you Bostonians. How you love to villify your sweet, gentlemanly, huggy-bear of a Mayor. You should be ashamed of yourselves! The worst thing you can come up with about the dear man is that he talks funny. Let me tell yas, if I weren't from here, I'd think you folks sound pretty tahded too. Since I am a local though, I love you doods - yah dood, you from Eastie! You crazy irish bastids from Sout'ie. The chicks with the big hayah from Reveyah, and other points Nawth. But I digress.

Our fine mayor actually gives a crap. He does a fine job of running a tough city. Politics, in it's entirety, frankly sucks. You can never, ever please everyone - hell, you're lucky if you can even get one side to simmah down wit da biatching (and the other side will more than make up for the vacuum left by the decrease in biatching by biatching harder, louder, and more ahssholishly). Mayor Menino, as of yet, has been relatively free from the scumbaggery that so many of his peers have been derailed by. He's no Blagojevich (that raging ASSHAT-cum-used car salesman-looking douche). He hasn't been busted banging underage choir boys in a bathroom in South Station. We have yet to see him captured on film snorting blow off of a hooker's arse. he hasn't been the target of an FBI sting operation to stem the tide of human trafficking. He isn't on vacation 374 days a year. He's a man of the people, versus a pompus, slick-haired Ken doll whose only goal in attaining office was to use it as a stepping stone to bigger and better things.

Nope - Mayor Menino is a good dude. Can't understand what he says sometimes? It's called a 'rewind' button - try it. Still no good? Read a transcript. Get off the guy's arse though, because really, would you rather have a guy at the helm whose every word you could understand, but was a dirty, corrupt, soulless asshat? No. You wouldn't. So shut it and let's give some props to THE MAN!!

RAWK ON MAYOR MENINO!

Our Rail-Riding Brethren.....

Props to you unlucky bastards. I feel for you - truly, I do.

Let us have a moment of silence, TrainWrecks, and admonish the Rail Gods to spare us such a fate....

About 150 Rescued From 2 Disabled NY Trains

NEW YORK - About 150 passengers have been rescued from two disabled commuter trains coming from New York that lost heat and electricity in a nearly three-hour ordeal.

A railroad official says the passengers got stranded on the two Metro-North trains between Bridgeport and Stratford stations in Connecticut about 3:40 a.m. Thursday. Service has been suspended.

Metro-North spokesman Dan Brucker says several thousand feet of overhead wires that send power to the trains became entangled and torn, cutting off power.

He says passengers were safely helped to a rescue train by about 6:25 a.m. by emergency personnel. The rescue operation was delayed because of the need to lift wires from the tracks and secure other safety hazards.

And you thought YOU wuz hardcore!

Yeah, you've got your parties / martinis / drag races / hedge fund trading and all dat shiat, but don't be hatin' when I tell you about MY blazin' New Year's Eve. OMFG - you might want to sit down - you gawn be SOOOO jealous of my continent of WIN. For reals.

Oh yeah - had a day utterly RIFE with WIN. Chock FULL O'Win, if you will. Work up at 4:30am after a crazy wierd "plane crash / fire" dream. I noted the oddest characteristic of the dream was the fire. And not just the fire that ensued from the plane crash, but the fact that the fire...formed...a circle. Almost. A "ring", if you will. A ring....of fire! OMG! Johnny Cash! Maybe today is bonus day!!! (Turns out, it was, and it was good, and I felt quite warm and squishy about it all).

After my shift at the shoemakery, I thought to myself "self, let's be BAD ASSED and live a little - Let's go BUY SOCKS!!!". Oh hell yeah - knee socks baby. And not a moment too soon. it's BALLS ASSED COLD outside. Fortunately, the latest in a string of bullshit storms was winding down as I scurried to and fro from the office, er, cobblery-haus, to the Socks-R-Us and on to the trolley station, where I had just enough time to enjoy a delicious beverage before catching the Polar Express back to the Hinterlandshires. It was a tasty beverage.

The train. Oh, the fuckin' train that I spend WAYYYYYYY-hay-hay too much time on. How I both love and loathe thee. It's important to note, dear reader, that on any given night, you never know what mayhem / delays / freaks will ensue and particularly on holidays. It's one of the immutable truths (read: 8th circle of HELL) that if it's a holiday evening and you (as a 'regular') are sorry enough to have to be riding the train, it's going to suck BALLS. And suck em it did.

On the menu for tonight's festivities? Check it....

*the drunk lady who is quickly interacting with others in a far too familiar way (and then proceeds to go smoke in the bathroom)

* the official who isn't all that concerned with the drunk lady smoking in the bathroom on the train, since that table over there has a couple of hot 20-something "nursing students" with awesome racks and they look like they might need some assistance!

*The alarmingly regular 1/2 hour delay alongside the car wash in Wilmington or some other "drive thru" place like that. The fuckin' place at least used to have a funky statue of Jupiter or some other ancient diety, complete with shween-shaped lettuce leaf (so at least there was that....what? don't look at me with that condescending look - let me throw you in semi-solitary for three hours a day and see if you aren't like "wow, look at the fuckin orange paint chips on the corner of that wall - they're in different places than they were the other day!"). They got rid of the statue, the asshats. Probably too many old broads bitching about the nudity. Or maybe jealous wee men.

*the overly friendly mentally challenged young person, wandering about, freely giving out bear hugs and if you're really nice, perhaps even some slobber!

*the unfortunate cat that skids right on past that "stop drinking NOW!!!!" red-line and plows head-first into "oh shit - this has no shot at ending well for you, dood".

The icing on the cake? After all this, I get to pull the ride out of the pile of snow it had been plowed into and clean it off. By myself. In the freezing fuckin' cold.

So I was the sober one, the designated nanny. I'm fuckin' glad I'm home, man. Now the party is in full motherfuckin' effizzekt, complete with:

*a lame free movie on cable (it was marginal at best)
*something nearly devoid of nutritional value for dinner
*Mr. Absurd already asleep
*nothing of ANY redeeming value to zone out to on the tewb.

The one bright spot is a nice splash of a lovely single-malt (an Islay, I think). Tasty. And soon? Sleep. I loves me some sleep, oh hell yes I do.

Sadly, no one gave much of a fuck about my new socks. How do you NOT get at least a semi over cotton knee socks and live in the TUNDRA!?!??!?! -Kneesocks, OUT!

p.s. what in the fuck kind of New Year's Eve bullshit is this Kelly Pickler CRAP!?!?!?? And Lionel Ritchie? What fuckin' year is it? Was there some sort of schism in the cosmic fabric that took place when I wasn't looking? One which somehow transmuted Manhattan back through the bleak and empty space looming between nothingness and the future and head-on into the ugliest period of the 1980s? OMFG. I have yet to see the Dick Clark animatronicbot, however. that poor old bastard. Props, Mr. Clark


Here's a scene from my life, on the train...on New Year's Eve. I've mercifully left the inebriated out of the picture (cept the drunk lady who smoked in the loo -- she's on the left, sitting at a table).



.

Musings...

Random thoughts. With your host, Patently Absurd...

On Palin:
You know, the Palin / "Sarkozy" fake phonecall was neither fun nor funny. She didn't come off any worse than the 90-hundred other times she came off as a total moron. I'm not entirely convinced she was fully hoodwinked, and frankly, she may have been being a good sport and just going along with the joke.

That being said, that is the one and only thing you will EVER hear me say on the subject of Palin that even remotely could be construed as less-than-bile-soaked. Because truly, that woman is a TARD, and I find virtually nothing redeeming or even likable about her. Her fake, overdone "hockey mom-cum-hillbilly" shtick made me nauseous from day one, and her ONLY saving grace with me was that she was SO retarded and SUCH an asshat that at very least she provided HOURS of angry drunken blogging. Also too, I do a MEAN impression of her, so there's that. How so, Charlie?

On America:
Thank you, America. Thank you from the bottom of my HEART for not driving us completely and totally over the precipice of utter ruin by electing McFailin'08. I heart you, nation!

On Fundies:
2008 was truly the year I came into my own as a person who LOATHES fundies. I thought maybe I just didn't like hypocrites or religious wackjobs or maybe I just didn't like ignorant people who blindly followed some failure of logic. Turns out, I hate ALL of those things, and 2008 gave my hatred a name. And it's name is FUNDIES. I pray every day that Jesus comes back. I wicked, WICKED want to meet Jesus and ask him just like maybe one or two questions. Failing being given the forum within which to pose questions to his Jesusness, I would be completely satisfied to just hear Jesus say "WOW - you people really didn't get anything I said right, didjas??". That would be heavenly. Divine, one might say!

I guess that's it for now. Probably nothing you haven't read here before, but it's been a couple of screwed up weeks and I'm pretty beat.

Here's to a marginally better 2009 for most of us.